A Passionate Heart Aflame

KFA Presentation #2: Political Correctness and Your Kink

2009-09-16T22:56:00.000-07:00

Click here for my first post, which contains some information about the event where I was presenting.

Originally, I'd planned to give only one presentation. However, once I saw how impromptu things really were, and how one really didn't have to be an expert after all, I decided to take advantage of another empty slot so I could create a discussion about an issue that's been on my mind a lot recently: politically-incorrect kink. Ya know...the stuff that many consider offensive to women, gays and lesbians, racial and ethnic minorities, etc.

I started off by asking the participants, "Show of hands...who here has done or fantasized about things that would offend the sensibilities of NOW, the NAACP, the ADL, the HRC, and other special interest groups?" Several hands went up. Having established that, I went on to talk about two kinks of mine that would certainly be un-PC:

Simulated homophobia: When I'm topping or dominating a guy, I love to throw out the occasional homophobic slur. Stuff like "Suck it, queer!" or "you pathetic, cock-sucking faggot." I'm also interested in scenes where homophobic stuff plays a much more central element, such as a gang-bang scenario.
Israeli/Palestinian role play: I'm really into Arab guys (the dark skin and hair do it for me), so one fantasy of mine involves me and an Arab bottom or sub. It would entail me dressing up in an Israeli soldier's uniform and topping him. While fucking him, I might want to lean close to his ear and sneer, You like that, faggot? Looks like somebody just occupied your territory, huh? Maybe even throw in some pro-Israeli slogans for good measure. [Even though my personal position actually favors the Palestinian side.]

I also offered other examples of kinks that others find offensive, such as...
--Forced feminization: Because it implies being a woman is humiliating -- for example, see this post.
--Weight humiliation: Suppose that it just offends our natural sense of decency.
--Age play: Because, apparently, adult littles are just too similar to actual kids in some people's minds. (How anyone could equate an aware, consenting adult with a real child is beyond me, but oh well...)

I went on to address several concerns that can arise with this kind of play. None of these were presented as reasons to avoid un-PC play, just as things one should think about before doing it.

Reservations: Naturally, having grown up believing that racism, sexism, size-ism, adult-child relations, and other such things were wrong, people who are drawn to playing with these things in the bedroom or dungeon may experience some considerable reservations. They may worry that there is something wrong with them for even fantasizing about these things, let alone acting upon them! A feminist sub, for example, may feel guilty for secretly longing to be dominated and treated as a sexual object by a man.
Consent: It should go without saying that one does not spring this kind of play upon anyone without discussing it first and obtaining the consent of everyone involved. It simply would not do, for example, to tie up a Jewish sub and the walk into the room in a Nazi uniform. I mean, you could do it, but at what cost to your sub, yourself, and your relationship? When you do this kind of play, you are bringing up symbols and experiences that can be very difficult or painful, and even if you obtain consent, you still have to tread carefully and be prepared for the fallout.
Implications: Some people are concerned about the implications of un-PC play outside of the bedroom or dungeon. If you enact sexist or racist ideas during play, are you implying things about the outside world, as well? To return to the forced fem example, some people object on the ground that it degrades women by implying that womanhood is humiliating or that being an unattractive woman (as a man in women's clothing may be perceived) is. In my mind, it seems like the important thing here is to maintain the mental division between the scene and the outside world. Just because a gay sub may get off on being called a "faggot" does not mean that that's what he actually is.
Consequences: The whole idea that "the personal is political." If you enact sexism or racism in the bedroom, is that going to somehow create a butterfly effect that will have an impact in larger society. Does the abundance of forced feminization, for example, contribute to larger ongoing patterns of sexism against women? Does it really do any harm beyond offending feminist sensibilities? Does me calling a sub a "faggot," reinforce homophobia in the larger society? Seems unlikely to me, but you must decide for yourself.
Reputation: Okay, so you've accepted your un-PC kinks, found a consenting partner, and overcame any concerns about your kink's implications or consequences -- now what? You may still be reticent to explore because of a concern about reputation. After all, if you have a fetish for Nazi uniforms or Klan robes, you may not want others to know about it, whether those others are kinky or vanilla. This requires some discretion about what you tell and to whom. You must decide for yourself how much risk is involved and how much you're willing to take.

I then talked about sources of "inspiration" one can use if one wishes to go ahead and do this kind of play, including religious texts and traditions, movies and fiction, history books, and the news. From these sources and more, scene ideas abound.

We ended with a discussion in which we addressed various facets of this topic, focusing largely on various concerns people might have and how to address and work through personal and social difficulties surrounding this kind of play. It is my hope that discussion will continue.

KFA Presentation #1: Law of Attraction

2009-09-16T22:01:00.000-07:00

I attended the event Kink 4 All: Boston on September 12th. It was basically an "unconference" where the presentations are determined by whoever is there and wants to present something. We showed up and wrote our presentation titles and names in empty slots on a designated bulletin board. Very straightforward, really.

I came to the event prepared to give just one presentation, on the "Law of Attraction," which I did end up giving. (On the spur of the moment, I chose to give another one, as well, which I will tell you about in a subsequent post.) This idea is one that's intrigued me for a long time now. I'm not necessarily sure that I believe in it literally, though I'm quite open to the possibility. I just know that I'm rather excited by the possibilities that it offers for getting what you want out of life. At the presentation itself, I focused on how it might be used to obtain kinky things, specifically. Here goes...

Presentation Outline:

The Law of Attraction (LoA) is the idea that we attract into our lives the things that we think about and focus upon the most -- whether we want them (love, wealth, success) or not (debt, loneliness, enemies). If one is inclined to believe in such an idea, there are at least two ways of looking at it:

First, a more New-Agey version is that our thoughts send out "vibrations" into the universe, which somehow receives the vibrations and sends us whatever we are thinking about the most intensely. Some sources (such as the movie What the Bleep Do We Know?) try to argue that the field of quantum physics supports this idea, an argument that I find misguided, at best. (That said, I'm not opposed to the idea of "vibrations.")
Second, a more down-to-earth interpretation is simply that positive thinking can enhance our ability to see opportunities when they arise and can give us the confidence to act upon those opportunities.

Whatever version you are more inclined to, is entirely up to you, though I recommend engaging in some degree of study before making that decision.

In the context of the presentation, the question then became: What might we, as kinky people, want to attract into our lives? Ideas I brainstormed included lovers, play, friends and community, and gear. To illustrate one possible method, I used the example of multiple relationships -- specifically, how to attract multiple poly relationships into one's life. Here are the steps (based on Losier -- see resource list below):
(1) Conceptualize: Develop an idea of exactly what you want to attract. To do this, you may need to first think of what you don't want, but only long enough to use contrast to figure out what you do want. For example: "I don't want loneliness; I want companionship." Not blue balls/ovaries, but lots of sex. Not monotony, but variety. Not settling down, but activity. Not boredom, but excitement. Not serial monogamy, but multiple long-term commitments. Again, you must ultimately think not of the first part of each pair, but the second.
(2) (Optional) If you are spiritually inclined, you may choose to make a direct request to the universe, God, or whatever you believe in.
(3) Focus: Train your mind to focus intensely and passionally (and repeatedly!) on what you want. You may start with a statement such as the following:

I am in the process of attracting multiple relationships that will bring me companionship, commitment, sex, variety, activity, and excitement.

Then, you may go on to write what Losier calls a "desire statement," which should focus your attention and raise your emotional vibration by getting you excited about (and believing in) the universe bringing you what you want. In the case of our example, it may look as follows:

I am in the process of accomplishing everything I need to attract my ideal poly situation. I love knowing that my ideal partners care for and support me. I love the idea of sitting in the living room with all my partners for a movie and popcorn. It excites me to think of the varieties of emotional and physical intimacies I share with my ideal partners. I love seeing myself growing old with these people in my life. I love how it feels when my partners band together to do something special for me on my birthday. I've decided to take joy in an abundance of pleasure and love. The law of attraction is unfolding and orchestrating all that needs to happen to bring me my desire. [This last sentence should always go in there!]

Notice that I always speak in the present tense and that I speak with certainty of this desire coming to pass. This is important for increasing my belief in receiving what I want, which leads to the next part. (More info on desire statements)
(4) Allowing: Replacing negative, limiting thoughts with positive, abundant, enabling ones. Basically, doing what one must to remove any doubt from one's mind. For example, I may have some doubts about my ability to gain the relationships I desire, due to a shortage of people who are my type and polyamorous and who reciprocate my interest. Thus, to "allow," I might repeatedly make the following statement to myself:
Countless poly people are in satisfying, committed relationships. Connections were formed yesterday, are forming today, and will form tomorrow. A great many of these relationships will be for life. Right now, poly people are living in love and pride, and they are sharing affection at this very moment!
Saying these things will help me to dispel my doubts so that my thoughts can focus even more closely on what I want.

Additional techniques for using the LoA may include: gratitude journals, vision boards, creative visualization, and mind movies. (Google these!) If you are creative, you may include writing and/or visual arts.

One last thing I want to mention: Many people who learn about the LoA assume that it excuses people from seeking to attain what they want through their own efforts, but I consider this a misunderstanding. As I understand the LoA, I see it as more of a complement to people's efforts, than anything else. I see the LoA as something that we can harness to get luck and fate themselves to look more kindly upon our endeavors, which could not possibly be a bad thing! :-)

If you are interested in learning more about the LoA, please see the following

Further Resources:

Abundance Highway.

Arntz, William, et al. What the Bleep Do We Know!?: Discovering the Endless Possibilities for Altering Your Everyday Reality.

Byrne, Rhonda. The Secret.

Hicks, Esther and Jerry. Ask and It Is Given: Learning to Manifest Your Desires. (See also their other books and their website.)

Losier, Michael. Law of Attraction: The Science of Attracting More of What You Want and Less of What You Don't. (Much of my LoA material in this presentation is based upon what I gleaned from Losier's book; thus, he deserves considerable credit!)

Parenthood = Non-consensual D/s?

2009-09-08T18:25:00.000-07:00

As most people in the BDSM scene surely know, consent is the linchpin of ethical BDSM. You cannot spank someone, tie them up, pierce them, brand them, flog them, dominate them, or control their decisions unless you have obtained their prior consent. No one is your submissive, or even slave, nor does anyone owe you any deference or submission, until that person has agreed to being such. (A lesson many male dominants and tops need to learn...) Even in TPE, or "total power exchange," situations, where it is argued that the slave's consent is no longer relevant, it is not ethical unless the slave has consented to the irrelevance of his/her consent. In short, you cannot hurt or dominate another person without his/her approval.

One day, it occurred to me that the parent/child relationship, in ALL societies, is much like a D/s relationship -- if not Master/slave or, in some cases, even TPE! Think about it... The parents control:

*what the child eats

*wears

*reads

*listens to

*watches on TV

*says (After all, how many of us got in trouble as kids for "talking back"?)

*does for fun

*where he goes

*who she associates with

*how he worships (or doesn't worship)

*her hairstyle and color

*his classes and extracurricular activities

*her sleeping patterns

*his verbal habits and demeanor

*how she decorates her room

*his access to information (about other religions, other political viewpoints, about sex and contraception)

*her medical decisions

The parents also get lots of license -- legally and socially -- as far as their kids are concerned:

*If the kid turns out to be gay and the parents happen to be religious nuts, they are allowed send him to some evangelical ex-gay camp to turn him straight.

*Parents are given the option to mutilate their childrens genitals, both male (circumcision) and, in some cultures, female (clitoridectomy).

*If the child is born intersexed, the parents get to choose a gender and impose it on the child.

*The parents are able to deny an injured child a life-saving blood transfusion or organ transplant.

*They can send the child to private schools (and homeschooling) in order to deny him/her exposure to alternative political and religious viewpoints -- so that once s/he gets to learn about other views, s/he'll be so thoroughly steeped in the parent's own worldview as to be mentally closed to anything else.

In fact, about the only thing parents AREN'T allowed to do to their kids is screw and fondle them. Oh, wait, I forgot...spanking. That's right! As your child's parent, the law entitle you to punish your child by making physical contact with his/her behind (widely recognized in our society as a "private part") using either your own hand or some implement. Sometimes on the bare behind or even completely nude -- the latter of which, believe it or not, I have actually heard of.

So, there you have it, in the parent/child relationship, the former have near-total control over the latter, who are (or can be) denied autonomy, individuality and self-expression, and boundaries (even physical boundaries, as in the previous paragraph). Just like an intense D/s relationship between two adults. The difference being, in a regular D/s relationship, the s-type has consented to entering the relationship, accepting the D-type's collar, and submitting to his/her authority. The child's consent, by contrast, is never even considered. Specifically...

*The parents do not have to obtain the child's consent to bring him/her into the relationship. (Which would be physically impossible, in any event.)

*There is no option for a contract to ensure the child gets some things and is not subjected to others (aside from difficult-to-enforce laws against abuse and neglect).

*The child does not get to have a list of limits (e.g., "no spanking" or "no forced religious participation")

*The child does not get a safeword (Visualize... Parent: Junior, eat your brussel sprouts now! Junior: Red!)

*There is no option to extricate oneself from the relationship -- except in rare cases -- as vanillas can do by breaking up or as a Dom/sub pair can do by transferring the collar back to the Dom.

*Finally, the only way the D/s component ends is once the child becomes a legal adult. However, even then, that does not necessarily happen because

(1) parents tend not to willingly relinquish control and use any resources at their disposal (finances, manipulation, etc.) to maintain it

(2) newly legal adults are not always able to exercise their new legal independence for various reasons, such as financial dependence on parents or remaining "mentally collared" by them

I mean, think about it for a bit. As a society, we condemn sexual intercourse with underage partners even if they do consent (in the sense of agreeing and going along with it) -- which, of course, is justified because persons below the age of consent generally do not have the emotional maturity or knowledge to have sex responsibly. Yet, we see no problem with holding children in what amounts to full-on D/s relationships without their consent. As far as society is concerned, children are the parents property to do with as they please, tinkering with them and manipulating them until the parents get the results they want. (Even if we don't openly acknowledge the "property" aspect.)

Now, I realize that what I've been saying here flies in the face of everything that we, as a society, take for granted about what the parent/child relationship should be -- especially in terms of such things as parental authority and children's obedience. And, in fact, I'm not arguing that parents should be without authority, nor am I arguing that kids should simply be able to do whatever they want. Indeed, when I have kids of my own, they WILL be getting vaccinations and check-ups and going to school, and certain things, like bigotry and abusive behavior, WON'T be acceptable in my home.

What I'm basically proposing here is a kind of intellectual exercise. First of all, is there, in fact, any warrant in seeing parenthood as a form of non-consensual D/s? Secondly, if we were to view parenthood in this light, then what implications would it have for the ethical use of parental authority?

If we simply accept parenthood as is commonly understood, with the implicit "property" aspect, then there is no real issue because it's simply a matter of "This is MY child, and I'll raise him/her as I see fit!" If, however, we see the child as an individual (with individual wants, needs, preferences, personal boundaries, etc.) who has had D/s foisted upon him/her non-consensually, then surely this should affect how we see parental authority and how we parent.

I welcome your thoughts, including specific parenting practices one might be compelled to adopt or reject as a result of considering or accepting this view. For my own part, here are some ways this could affect my parenting:

*No spanking. For years, I have been opposed to spanking. Not necessarily because of the potential consequences, which are debatable in any event. Rather, my opposition is because I see it as a violation of the child's physical boundaries and bodily autonomy; in my mind, the only way physical punishment of a child could be ethical would be if the child were given a choice between that and some alternative non-physical punishment, like being grounded.

*Parental evaluations. Maybe a few times a year, have the kids fill out evaluations of us as parents. Stuff like, "How often do we misuse our parental authority? Always, Often, Occasionally, Seldom, or Never?" "What do you like best about how we've been raising you? What suggestions for improvement would you make? What are your overall impressions of our parenting style?" Imagine how that could affect the parent/child dynamic. The parents actually accepting some level of accountability to their kids for their decisions, even if the most they have to worry about is a poor evaluation.

*Intellectual and spiritual freedom. The freedom to explore political and religious worldviews other than the ones being taught at home. And, more to the point perhaps, the freedom to worship and support causes besides those that I would support.

*Freedom of self-expression. The freedom to dress as one sees fit, decorate ones room as one sees fit, and say what's on one's mind. This also include no "forced respect" (i.e., going through the motions of "being respectful," regardless of one's actual feelings) or "forced apologies" (stuff like "Young man, you tell her you're sorry right now!").

These are just some ideas I have now. I may come up with more later and post them here.

Reading: The Ethical Slut by Easton and Liszt

2009-08-16T22:21:00.001-07:00

While I was in San Francisco last week, I happened across the most delightful book on my friend's bookshelf. It was The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt (i.e., Janet Hardy). (Link:
http://ping.fm/jJmo2)

Now, the book did not really say that much that I didn't already agree with. "Pleasure and sex are good for you." Check. "Exclusive monogamy is not the only way." Check. "If you're gonna fuck/date/love multiple people, you need to be mindful and ethical about it." Check. Hence, it was pretty much stuff that I already believed.

However, there was something about the book that really spoke to me, that I can't quite put my finger on. I felt like the authors were speaking directly to my mind and heart, among other parts! :-) They talked about (1) the intellectual aspects, such as the beliefs and paradigms that often trap us in socially-acceptable modes of relating and the ethics of "sluthood," (2) emotional aspects like the benefits of poly or jealousy issues, and (3) practical issues revolving around how you actually make open and polyamorous relationships work (e.g., managing jealousy). They also addressed many of the downsides of being a "slut" such as jealousy and potential legal difficulties if you have children. They really left no stone unturned...or, at least, few stones. Perhaps it was especially helpful to see it out there in a logical and organized format, to make it feel more "official."

I think another important component of the appeal was the authors' complete confidence and conviction in what they were saying. They are "ethical sluts" and proud of it. They do not apologize to anyone for anything. And, in taking that stance, they transfer their own confidence and conviction to the reader and give us the resolve to pursue all the love and sex we want...and stand up to any monogamy-supremacists along the way!

Go sluts! ;-)

Wild Pussy Action!

2009-08-01T23:29:00.001-07:00

On Thursday evening, I went with two of my roommates to help them pick out a new kitten. Since it was their choice, I was mostly there in a supportive, auxiliary role. That, and I've helped out in other ways, as well. They ended up picking out this adorable black female kitten, which you can see here. So far, they're keeping the kitten in one of their rooms, and the three of us try to regularly visit kitty in order to help her get to know us and let her know how much we love her.

This past night, I've been doing some cat-sitting for them, so I've been going in the room regularly to see her, which is nice. She's gotten to the point where she'll let me pet her, which makes me happy. I've also weighed in on the naming game, with a preference for a Harry Potter-inspired name, like "Bellatrix" or "Hermione." Regardless, I'm confident they will pick out a good name. Now, I'm just looking forward to when she gets to go beyond the room and have the run of the house, which will be awesome

I've also been trying to create some good pet karma, using both magic and good deeds. For example, sometimes when I see signs for people's missing pets, I will stop briefly to send out some energy into the universe, with the intention that the people will find the pet, safe and sound. In addition, a week ago, I saw a cat outside and was concerned that it was lost, so I looked at its tag and called the owners. It turned out that the cat was an outdoor cat, but the
owners still seemed to appreciate my intentions in calling them. I hope all this goodness will come back in terms of extra good luck with the pets I live with. Will try to keep you updated on all the amazing pussy action...

Finding magical love...

2009-07-18T20:29:00.001-07:00

My new, budding interest in paganism, and witchcraft specifically, has led me to reconsider what I might want from my future long-term relationships. When it comes to the intersection of BDSM and paganism, one of my primary inspiration's is the work of Raven Kaldera, who owns a boy. Part of the boy's service is assisting Raven with his spiritual and religious activities. See, for example, this article. I think these paragraphs are particularly telling:

I am learning, though, that there is a deeper sort of sacred service: the experience of serving someone who has a calling, an Assignment. Something that eats their life; something to which they have given themselves over entirely. Something inherent in them that differentiates them from the common world. The easiest secular example for this is the artist or musician or writer whose talent so consumes them that they are often little more than a channel for it, or the political activist who is consumed entirely by their dreams and goals. For these people, there is nothing (or nearly nothing) in their life but their Work. All too often, they need a servant to support them and take care of their mundane needs, a servant to be an interface with the rest of the world.

I call this role in all of its forms the "Shaman's Boy", as it speaks to a larger archetype. The image is of the shaman's calm, polite boy explaining the wild-eyed shaman's strange behavior to the client or anthropologist, as best he can. He is translator and receptionist. He tells the client, "This is what is happening. Sit here. Drink this. Do not be afraid." He does the aftercare for the client.... but more importantly, he does the aftercare for the shaman. People on the outside don't see that part, but that is his real function.

Image: The shaman is god-possessed and throws himself into the icy river, spinning wildly, communicating with the heavens in a language which is no language. That sort of thing is hard on the body, and the boy's job is to care for the body, to care for what remains of the human the gods have taken and so thoroughly changed for their purposes. The boy is there afterwards with a warm blanket and some hot tea and a little something to eat, in the same way as one services the writer who shuts himself in his room for days at a time, occasionally absently eating the sandwiches left at the door.

That is the job of this sort of sacred servant: being the one who makes their sandwiches and draws their bath and brings their tea. He is the one who quietly supports them when they rail against the
Universe, and helps to pick up the pieces afterwards. It isn't about providing luxury services, but rather the simple the comforts that help them continue to do their job. The relationship isn't about the servant being used, because the master is being used harder than most people can possibly imagine. The focus is entirely on the master.

I find myself very fascinated by their relationship, and I wonder if some version of that could be right for me. For some time now, I've been toying with the idea of finding that person who will submit him/herself to me on multiple levels: love, romance, relationship, sex, service, magic, etc. Recently, I've been thinking about this idea of having a male slave or submissive who would also be a witch and an energy worker. We could do energy work on each other (when we need it), experiment with Tantra, do rituals together, and maybe even some occasional sex magick! ;-)

This would need to be a person with whom I could spend the rest of my life, since I'd want to establish some kind of deep energetic, psychic connection. Due to the sheer level of intimacy, connection, and dedication involved, it would probably need to be a primary relationship, as well. I could see myself building a life (and a family!) with such a person.

The question of polyamory, of course, leads to a whole new host of issues. Specifically, I want to be free to have multiple lovers, but I also like the idea of having this guy all to myself. (In other words, me poly and him mono.) Part of me worries that it is greedy of me to want such a thing, yet another part of me also realizes that the real issue is whether or not the other person is okay with such a thing. Besides, there may come times when I might find it useful, or even fulfilling, to share my partner with others.

I even have a mental image of what this partner might be like in person. I imagine him as being shorter than me, younger (18-22), slender, minimal or no body hair, somewhat dark-skinned, relatively small boy parts (but still enough there to play with and torment), and considerably effeminate. Personality-wise, I imagine him being both intelligent (enough to have stimulating conversation and understand deep intellectual and spiritual issues) and quite submissive and masochistic. Spiritually, he would either be very similar to me or compliment me nicely. Together, we'd be the type who could stay together for the long term: forge psychic links, get handfasted, move in together, everything!

One thing I hope to do in the near future is to perform a full-moon love spell. I have many of the supplies already: pink candle, rose quartz, rose petals, chili (for spice!), cinnamon (for extra energy), cardamom (for lust), and medical lancets (to draw blood). I eventually plan to make some poppets or cloth dolls; at least three: one to represent me, one to represent this ideal primary partner, and one to represent any other lovers that I'd also want to enter my life. The question on my mind is this: Should my love spell include any level of specificity at all? Or, should I just be really general? Like, "Oh, Great Goddess, I beseech you, please send me the best partner or partners for me!" Specificity risks me bypassing someone who might not be my ideal but would actually be better for me in the long run. On the other hand, maybe I should trust my intuition and ask for the specific thing, perhaps with a caveat that "If there is someone better for me than my imagined ideal, then please send him instead."

Hopefully, I'll eventually get this lover and we can move on to exciting rituals and sex magick! :-D

Queer Friendly Housing in Davis Square - heat included! (Somerville)

2009-05-22T09:07:00.001-07:00

Short version: Three funky roommates seek fourth.
The room is open now, move in anytime between now and June first. The
heat and hot water are included in rent! One cat, tons of common
space, 1-3/4 baths, a dining room, living room, and big kitchen.

We are looking for one friendly, interesting non-smoker who likes
living with others. Crafty or geeky a plus. Sorry, no dogs as per the
landlord (one additional cat or "cage pets" negotiable though). We
like to be friendly with our roommates and enjoy occasional shared
meals (omnivorous), movie nights, and hanging out.

About us:

Female roommate. I work part-time doing energywork, birth assistance, and other things. Home
frequently. When I'm in, I tend to listen to music, cook, read, have
sex, and play on the computer. Occasionally I have overnight guests.

Male roommate. Software engineer, not too geeky but have been known to fix people's computers :) Spends a fair amount of time around the house doing various creative type stuff, including: cooking, sewing, pattern drafting and some website design.

They are partnered long-term.

Braden (me): Ph.D.
student in the social sciences. Aside from my participation in the
BDSM scene, I am also into knitting, crocheting, energy work, cooking,
tennis, hiking, and more. I'm rather quiet at times but can still have
fun! Note: Braden is moving in June first.

Pretzel. A playful goofball of a cat - fixed, adult, and indoor-only.
He likes being around other cats. If no one moves in with a cat, we
will probably be getting a kitten to be his little brother or sister.

Two cats (no dogs) is the landlord's limit for the apartment,so if you
have one cat and they get along with him, that is a possibility. On
the other hand, if you are not a cat person, he doesn't ever need to
be allowed in your room.

The house is clothing-optional for residents (clothes are on most of
the time but sometimes it does get hot in the summer :) and their
partners (but we'll happily put our clothes on when your parents/new
sweetie/coworkers are coming over ;).

What we're looking for in a housemate:

A friendly person, poly/gay/bi/pagan/trans/etc-friendly, non-smoker
with no dogs ("cage pets" and one cat negotiable) who likes to share a
house with others, doesn't mind cleaning up after themselves (but
doesn't mind some clutter either :). Crafty and/or geeky a plus. One
person only.

The House:

The apartment is on Orchard Street - 5 minute walk to Davis Square
Station (Red Line), 7 minute walk to Porter Square Station (also Red
Line) Being so close to Davis and Porter we're just a few minutes from
lots of restaurants, convenience stores, groceries, etc. etc. (it's
Davis :).

We're also 30 seconds from Mass ave, which is the 77 bus, and Davis
has lots of buses. Super public-transit accessible if you haven't been
here before.

The apartment is the second and third floor of a two-family house.

Amenities include a nice-sized kitchen with great counter space,
living room, dining room, and additional common space areas (the
common space acreage is very nice :), 1 & 3/4 baths, basement,
partly-full garage (good for small storage), second floor enclosed
porch (where the kitty litter resides), and washer & drier in laundry
section in the basement (large basement). Plushy carpet in all rooms
except for kitchen and 70s wallpaper in most of the common space (it's
pretty muted). Usable driveway (i.e. you can park without blocking
people in :) and plenty of on-street parking. Resident parking permits
are one dollar (yeah, just $1) and temporary permits for friends are
easy to get (including multiple permits, useful for move-ins, social
gatherings, etc.) - a nice feature of Somerville.

The common areas are well furnished by the current housemates, but
room can be made for new housemate stuff as well. A few notable
common-area items are: lots of kitchen gear, gas stove, new
dishwasher, new fridge, washer & dryer (free laundry), TV/VCR, new DVD
player, and a DVR box (like TIVO).

The room is a good-sized one on the third floor with three windows and
a huge walk-in closet that has a built in dresser. The walls are
currently blue, and you can paint them any color but black (landlord's
request) if you want to. Ceilings are slanted. It is open now. We need
to fill it no later than June first.

The rent for the room is $675 per month (total rent for the apartment
is $2600 that is split 4 ways, $675 for each for the three big
bedrooms and $575 for the little one (already occupied)). Big plus:
heating and hot water costs are included in the rent (they can get up
to $100 a month normally in this neighborhood)

The only utilities we need to pay are electricity and phone/internet
and they usually run around $70 per month. Cable internet is provided
by Comcast. All of the bedrooms have wireless internet access as well
as CAT5 cable access (i.e. normal internet cable) and the internet
service is both high-speed and reliable. As mentioned, there is also a
free washer & dryer
in the basement.

There is a 1 year lease cycle. The landlords are a couple living in
Boston and seem pretty nice, and are responsive. Fortunately, we've
never needed to have too much contact with them though.

We're also on good terms with our previous housemates and are happy to
furnish references on request.

If this isn't what you're looking for, we hope you find it! If it is,
we look forward to hearing from you!

Clothed Male/Naked Male

2009-04-27T22:46:00.001-07:00

I am currently trying to build up a
community of Boston-area men who are interested in CMNM. The Google
Group that I created is located here:
http://ping.fm/z6IuI

Clothed Male/Naked Male (CMNM) refers to a variety of situations in
which there is any combination at least one clothed man and at least
one naked man. These can be both private and social situations, and
the situations may be either explicitly OR implicitly homoerotic. One
may be drawn to this for any number of reasons:
Enjoyment of looking at naked men
Exhibitionist tendencies
Desire for humiliation
Male-male bonding and camaraderie
The subtle power dynamic between clothed and naked men in the same situation
And many more!

In many ways, we have already had various CMNM experiences in our
lives by sheer virtue of growing up male, such as the following:
Locker rooms, showers, and other sports/athletic situations
Naked dares or losing bets
Strip poker
College dorm rooms and showers
Sleeping nude around other guys
Skinny dipping with one's guy friends
Check-ups and physicals
Hazing
Streaking
Mooning

Maybe you have had these experiences throughout your life and want an
opportunity to relive them. Or, perhaps you never did get to
experiences these things and would like a second chance. Regardless,
this opportunity and chance may have arrived. If you are interested in
getting together with other guys who are also into (or curious about)
Clothed Male/Naked Male situations and events, then please get back to
me. This is addressed to all persons of legal age, regardless of
weight, height, race, etc. If I hear from enough people, then who
knows what could happen.

If you are a guy and this interests you, then I highly encourage you
to join immediately! :-)

Reading: Dark Moon Rising by Raven Kaldera

2009-04-25T09:40:00.000-07:00

Recently, I bought an electronic copy of Raven Kaldera's book Dark Moon Rising: Pagan BDSM & the Ordeal Path, which addresses the linkage between BDSM and spirituality from a pagan perspective. Although I currently consider myself monotheist, I have also found much value in Raven's work. I find it particularly appealing because of my own experience with energy work and the like.

This book, in particular, appeals to me because I have always felt that BDSM can be emotionally and even spiritually transcendent -- for the bottom, certainly, but also the top. I feel like the book will help me to explore that more, as well as providing concrete advice about how I can apply energy work to BDSM and power-exchange play. I also get the impression it will have a lot to say about the potential therapeutic and cathartic uses of BDSM; this part is also very important to me.

Being a busy grad student, I likely won't have the time to read the book in depth for extended lengths of time, but I hope (at least) to be able to read the occasional chapter in it. I may post from time to time about my thoughts regarding my reading.

FYI:
The Book
Online Preview

Islam and Polyamory

2009-04-06T11:35:00.000-07:00

One struggle I have had recently is the growing suspicion that I might be polyamorous, as an overall orientation to romantic relationships (not unlike a sexual orientation). I have started to suspect that I might be the kind of person who would be happiest in multiple relationships, or at least with that as a possibility. Although I have always held traditional beliefs in monogamy as the most (if not only) moral and ethical romantic option, I find myself continually drawn to the idea of being able to be with more than one person.

For example, in my first real relationship, back in 2003-04, I was very much in love with the person I was with. Even still, though, I was feeling a strong urge to experience other guys, as well -- on the physical level. This urge has come to me in subsequent relationships, as well, such as my first relationship in Boston. The guy I was with back then was great, but I wanted to experience others.

This always happens to me! Even though I desire monogamy and exclusivity as an ideal, I have the desire to play around. It's like, when I'm single, I want to be in a relationship soooo bad, but once I've been in a relationship for a while, I start wishing I were single so that I could play around. Well, not really even wishing I were single...more like wishing we could open up the relationship so that I could have sexual contacts with others, as well.

The problem is my morals and religious beliefs. I'm a bit sexually conservative anyway (not in terms of what I'll do but in terms of WHO I'll do it with), and I have the added issue of worrying about whether certain things are compatible with Islam. For example, I do the prayers and fast during Ramadan, even though it's kind of a pain in the ass, and I avoid alcohol and pork, even though I like both. I've remained rather gay because I've read enough alternative interpretations to conclude that the supposed Islamic prohibition on homosexuality is based on shaky ground, at best. Then again, there are other things that are supposedly not allowed that I don't concern myself with at all, such as cross-gender interaction and owning dogs. (I spend time alone with girls and pet dogs all the time!) In short, one might say that I'm lax about some things but generally concerned with "getting it right."

So how does this relate to polyamory? Well, I have always kind of assumed that it would not be an option for me because it does not seem to mesh well with tradtional sexual morals. Sure, adjustments can be made to accommodate homosexuality and kink, but surely not polyamory! After all, it just feels so dirty and slutty! There's NO WAY I could be Muslim and poly...right?

However, the other day it suddenly occurred to me. Islam does in fact, at the very least, explicitly permit polygamy by men. Here are the Qur'an (Koran) verses addressing the issue (Asad translation):

4:3- "And if you have reason to fear that you might not act equitably towards orphans, then marry from among [other] women such as are lawful to you - [even] two, or three, or four: but if you have reason to fear that you might not be able to treat them with equal fairness, then [only] one - or [from among] those whom you rightfully possess. This will make it more likely that you will not deviate from the right course."

4:129- "And it will not be within your power to treat your wives with equal fairness, however much you may desire it; and so, do not allow yourselves to incline towards one to the exclusion of the other, leaving her in a state, as it were, of having and not having a husband. But if you put things to rights and are conscious of Him [i.e., God] - behold, God is indeed much-forgiving, a dispenser of grace."

Some contemporary Muslim opponents of polygamy use the second verse to argue that it is effectively forbidden by virtue of the impossibility of treating multiple wives equally. On the other hand, the verse could just as easily be seen as an exhortation to strive for fairness towards all wives, whether or not that ideal can ever be truly achieved. At the very least, most Islamic scholars seem to agree that polygamy is religiously permissible, even if not ideal. Moreover, sexual relations with one's slave are also permitted.

In addition to that, consider how many Old Testament prophets were also polygamous: Abraham, Jacob, David, Solomon. They were even intimate with women who weren't their actual wives (servants, if I remember correctly). Were they wrong or immoral?

Of course, Islamic scholars would also argue that this only applies to a MAN marrying more than one WOMAN, which would theoretically exclude polyamory by women or same-sex polyamory. On the other hand, I'm not aware of anywhere in the Qur'an that polyandry is explicitly forbidden, and one basic principle of Islamic law is that something is allowed unless forbidden -- which seems to open the door for women to have multiple partners. Then, if you add to that all the holes in the case for a prohibition of homosexuality, and combine it with the above, then you seem to have a case for considering polyamory (both opposite-sex and same-sex) Islamically permissible.

Indeed, this seems like one of the ways in which Islam manages to be malleable and applicable to a variety of situations, which seems to be one factor in its spread throughout the world. It always seems to allow certain exceptions for these various situations. For example, in a situation where women must be married to have a social safety net yet women outnumber men, allowing men to have multiple wives is actually beneficial for the women because it gives them social and economic security. Similarly, one might argue that God understands that not everyone is made for monogamy and, thus, the verses permitting male polygamy also speak to those individuals today who are polyamorous. The wide applicability of Islam seems to be one of its more miraculous properties.

Thus, this seems to be very refreshing, in contrast to moral codes and religious doctrines that emphasize monogamy to the exclusion of other possibilities. At the same time, I think that if you were going to do polyamory as a Muslim, at least three caveats would be in order:

First, if you are serious about the idea of being fair to all partners, then the whole notion of "primary," "secondary," "tertiary," etc. might not work. Unless, perhaps, you look at it from the perspective of each partner getting what s/he needs, which may not necessarily mean getting the same as each other partner.
Second, being a ho would not be acceptable. You still couldn't sleep with just anyone. In fact, it might even be necessary to marry (or at least establish some kind of committed relationship). In short, there would have to be some kind of ongoing closeness and commitment
Third, you could probably have only up to four partners. Though, honestly, who would even want that many, let alone more? LOL

Certainly, I am not ready to come out to the world as officially poly. Maybe I do, indeed, just need to find that one person who is right for me. At present, then, my official stance is that I am now "exploring" polyamory. Regardless, I feel like this revelation has been somewhat liberating for me. If I am, indeed, poly, then it feels like I would be free to act upon it, provided that I do so in an ethical manner -- honestly, fairly, and somewhat equitably. There is something very freeing about all of this. :-)

Parting with Boy

2009-04-06T11:20:00.000-07:00

This past Saturday, I went to see the boy, and we had a great day together: both kinky and vanilla. We played quite a bit (cbt, spanking, puppy play, etc.) and then watched some anime together. When it came time for me to leave, he took me to the station to catch my bus back to Boston. On the way, we had a discussion about religion, where I realized how incompatible our religious beliefs were, me Muslim and him atheist. (I think he has a lot of good points and good reasons for why he believes as he does; it's just that we come to starkly different conclusions.) We got to the station and went upstairs to hang out for a while.

At this point, he gave me back the bracelet I'd given him to signify his being under consideration, saying that he couldn't accept it. Which was not devastating to me, since I had also started to feel like maybe it wasn't a match. We ended up having a conversation, where we agreed it was a good experience and clarified our feelings about BDSM and power-exchange.

When my bus got there, we bid each other good-bye and agreed to keep in touch. As the bus left the station, I started to feel a pang inside, like I missed him and maybe even didn't want to be separated from him. Of course, it passed, and I felt at peace with it. I think the big takeaway is: We had a good week together as Sir and boy, and we both learned some things about ourselves. For myself, I think I learned the importance of moving slowly into arrangements, even if it's just an "under consideration" situation. I still have yet to master the art of "moving slowly," but I am certainly trying. I look forward to seeing where things go in the future.

My new boy under consideration

2009-03-30T12:49:00.000-07:00

This past Saturday, I had a date with a cute boy from nearby, who is interested in power-exchange relationships. We met at the train station and explored a neighborhood of Boston for about an hour before we went to eat. We then had a nice lunch and bonded over the food. After that, we went to a coffee shop where we sat for a while and talked about what a power-exchange relationship between us would be like, including my expectations of behavior. We immediately started with some basic things, such as him addressing me as "Sir," sitting with his hands on his lap and eyes downward, and occasionally holding hands.

After the coffee shop, I took him to a nearby sex shop, where he showed me some toys he liked: nipple clamps, two butt toys, and a Gates of Hell. All of those seem nice to me. Then, I went to the front desk, got some collars, and took the boy into the dressing room to try them on. I had him take off his shirt and face the mirror, while I put them on him, one after the other. As I did, I would also caress his body and play with his nipples. When I put the last one on him, I had him get on his knees, where I kissed him and did other stuff (within the constraints of the situation, obviously). From there, we did some more walking, and I got to show him some more of that area of Boston. Finally, I took him back to the train station, where we sat and cuddled while waiting for his train to come. During that evening, we had agreed that he was going to be "under consideration", so I was very much looking forward to beginning the process.

Yesterday, I sent him a list of instructions to get him started in his role as my boy, which I will repost here:

Boy, here are your initial instructions for transitioning into this new role, many of which will turn out useful for you regardless of what happens with us. They are as follows:
Please make a list of the times each day of the week when you'd most likely be available to talk on the phone or chat online. This is so that I can arrange for us to have at least some length of time to talk with each other's undivided attention.
If you do not already have one, choose a kinky screen name. Your current one is all right, but it is linked to your particular physical location, which means it would be confusing if you were to move. Thus, you need one that can be carried anywhere. For example, mine ("HeartExalted") will be applicable no matter where I am living. I can use it for the rest of my life. :-) Come up with some ideas, and we will go through them together. When we have chosen one for you, I will show you how you will use it.
You are to start moving towards having a completely smooth body. You can start out with just underarms and pubic hair, for now (and butt, if necessary)--with the understanding that you will transition to the entire body as soon as is feasible.
I have created and shared with you a file on Google Documents ("boy [name]'s daily log"). Each day, you are to go to the top of the document and post what you need to accomplish for the day (and can reasonably be expected to do) and what you have accomplished. You do the first one at the start of your day and the second at the end of your day. This is so that I can keep you on track.
Make a list of things that would be effective punishments for you -- that you would NOT enjoy but would not harm you physically or psychologically, either. I don't foresee having to punish you very much, if at all, but I want to be prepared nonetheless.
You should address me as Sir when answering a question, saying "thank you" or "you're welcome", or asking for anything. For now, it will only be necessary on those occasions, though I may add to that list later. When we are alone, online, or on the phone, you should always follow this rule. You should also do so when we are around other kinky people. When we are in public or around non-kinky people, you should either leave it off entirely or do so in a way that's imperceptible to others.
In addition, you should always use lower-case letters when referring to yourself--such as "i" or "[boy's name]". This is to make you more aware of our respective positions
When we are seated together, you should sit up straight with your hands in your lap and eyes downward. (However, when we are talking, you may occasionally make eye contact with me.) When we are walking together, you should look straight forward and slightly down, with arms at your sides...unless I am holding one of your hands! :-) If I stop for whatever reason, you are to assume position indicated in this photo: http://www.frugaldomme.com/esoteric/poses/1030009.jpg If you kneel before me, you are also to use that position unless I indicate otherwise.
When meeting with me, you should be well cleaned, groomed, and otherwise presentable. You should be freshly showered and your balls, butt, etc. should be lickably clean! ;-) You should also dress fairly preppy, like for church or an interview or something. (Obviously, one or both of us may be fairly overworked or stressed, so allowances will be made.)
These are just some things that will start us off, to get you into the mindset of being submissive to another man and just to start molding you in some subtle but meaningful ways. If any of these should be a problem on any level, you are to bring that to my attention. I look forward to working with you on these boy!

Best,
Braden

My ideal in writing up these instructions were to come up with things that would make me feel in control and him feel controlled, without those things being an unreasonable burden on him. In addition, these are all negotiable, and he has been explicitly instructed to tell me when anything I demand might be burdensome. I am hoping that we will be able to move even further still, in the future, once we have gotten to know each other better and gotten used to each other a lot more. Finally, I have also given him the most important instruction of all:

Though you are a subservient boy and occasional potential dog, you continue to be a dynamic and complex human being. Therefore, you are to also provide me with engaging conversation, fun and occasionally silly times, and ongoing personal and intellectual challenges.

All in all, I am really enjoying getting to know this wonderful boy and working with him. I look forward to seeing him again and engaging in some more serious play and negotiations. That, and just kissing, cuddling, and having fun! ;-)

Extended Profile: Top Version

2008-10-24T22:14:00.000-07:00

Because my profile at the other site has a word limit, and because not everyone will read a long profile, I am posting here what I call my "Extended Profile." This is the Top Version. (If you are a dom who wants a piece of me, then click here for the Bottom Version.)

(If you just want to play, scroll down to the bottom of this post, to the "PLAY ONLY" section.)

The following section is for those interested in something else -- namely, dating and perhaps more! The section is, admittedly, rather long-winded. If you have an aversion to reading, then we are perhaps not the best match in the dating sense and should just stick to playing. :-)

In many cases, I just want to play and have some fun, no strings attached. However, there are certain guys out there who lead me to want more than mere play. The right guy can bring out my dom impulses, in addition to the merely sadistic ones. Indeed, I am interested in finding a regular boy for both playing and spending time outside the bedroom. A submissive boyfriend, or even a slave. Thus, if you are or might be interested in that, this section is for you so that you can understand where my thinking is.

First, I do not exactly fit the general image of a Dom or a Master. I have a pronounced aesthetic sensibility. I have a rather youthful appearance, usually clean-shaven except for a goatee and sometimes a few days growth, and try to dress kinda preppy a lot of the time. While I am not feminine or flamboyant, I am not uber-masculine, either; most people can tell that I'm gay. If I am in a scene as the dom, my ideal outfit to wear in the scene would be a nice button-down shirt, dress pants, and dress shoes -- rather than leather gear. (Not that I'm categorically opposed to leather gear. After all, a full kit is kinda hot, and I wouldn't mind trying it, from time to time.) Just look at my profile photo for an indicator of my sensibility in this regard.

(Of course, don't let any of that fool you. I can be just as domineering, demanding, mean, sadistic, and brutal as my higher-testosterone counterparts. I can come up with stuff that would make the Marquis de Sade wet his pants and cry. Ok, maybe not to that extent, but you surely get my point.)

All of that relates to my second point, which is that I tend to romanticize the idea of a relationship based on domination and submission -- so much so that I practically elevate power exchange to the level of a sacrament. I find power exchange exceptionally attractive and fulfilling when it is fully infused with emotion and beauty. Though I am open to casual play, as stated earlier, my ideal is to play with you, my beloved sub- or slave-boy, in scenes that feel like choreographed dances, moving theatrical performances, mystical rituals. Intense scenes where we go places together, I and you, to places we never thought possible. (For example, this is my fantasy collaring ceremony, only with me as the Master now, rather than the slave; the idea is for it to be both emotionally intense and aesthetically breathtaking.) See also some of these essays for other examples of spiritual and ritualistic dimensions of power exchange, things that I might like to incorporate to some extent.

Third, continuing with the romantic and aesthetic theme, I see my future boy as a prized possession. My role is to guide you, protect you, comfort you, and ultimately love you. I want you to feel safe and secure and know that you are never alone, no matter how far away I am. You are mine. Part of that entails my respect for your individuality, personal qualities, and priorities and goals -- wanting you embrace and fulfill those in the process of serving me and submitting to me. I will be quite concerned with your basic physical and emotional well-being and will always take those into consideration with regard to my decision-making; you will be expected to keep me abreast of your physical/emotional states -- for example, by keeping a blog.

At the same time, you will be expected to submit. Here are some examples of my expectations:

When we are alone together or around fellow BDSM practitioners, I will want you to be naked, except for some ornamentation, perhaps. For example, for a rather fem or androgynous guy, I might choose a collar like this or this, with matching bracelets and anklets. In addition, a belt like one of these, a head ornament like one from this page, and foot ornaments like these. For a more masculine slave, maybe a leather collar with metal spikes with matching wrist bands and a chastity device. (Of course, if it's really cold or something, you will be allowed to dress warmly.)
Also, you will be expected to follow some degree of protocol that reflects your position. This include forms of speech, along with ways of sitting, standing, and kneeling. There will also be other rules to govern your behavior and movements when we are alone together or with other BDSM practitioners.
When we're around others or in public, we will obviously be more discreet about it, though I would still expect (a) that you engage in subtler forms of protocol and remain obedient and (b) occasionally submit to some forms of public humiliation.
In terms of play, it is primarily about my wants and needs. I want certain things out of a play scene, and you must do your part to help make it happen. This include a willingness to let your limits be pushed. You should specify those limits at the outset, with an expectation that many of them will be challenged -- provided that they are not emotionally or physically harmful to you. I am, however, a sadist and will expect you to submit to fairly high levels of physical pain and private and public humiliation -- though always with your physical/mental well-being in mind. (Also, I do, indeed, care about your pleasure and enjoyment, too, so you should let me know what you'd like to experience; if and when I deem it appropriate, and if you've been good, I'll see what I can do to make it happen.)
It is important to me to be involved in BDSM and M/s communities, so you will be expected to involve yourself, alongside me. This includes stuff like attending meetings and play parties, going to events (such as the Fetish Fair Fleamarket), participating in mailing lists and online discussion forums, educating yourself about BDSM and M/s, etc.
Depending on how serious the relationship becomes, I will sometimes expect you to make various changes in your life, either for my benefit or for yours. Mostly, it'd likely be relatively small things, such as the way you dress, your hairstyle, how you keep your place, etc. On the other hand, I may think of things that I feel would improve your life, so I would expect you to make an effort to implement those things in your life. Examples could include exploring a particular group or organization or taking on some kind of exercise program -- or forbidding any particularly unhealthy habits.

Granted, I am new to the experience of domination. I've had only a little experience as a top/dom and zero experience as an actual Master. I am well aware that I have much more to learn about dominating another human being, either in a scene or on an ongoing basis. In spite of that, though, I feel like a have several things to offer that make me a worthy candidate to dominate and ultimately own a boy:

Desire to learn: I am constantly educating myself about BDSM and power exchange because I take them very seriously. I visit websites, read books, participate in mailing lists and discussion forums, go to classes, talk with more experienced practitioners, and so much more. I have a certain humility about domination and mastery, such that I see myself as always able to learn more, no matter how much I've already learned. In her book Manual Creation, Master Fire writes, "I am as far along as I should be and do it as my skills allow. I am nowhere near as far along as I want to be nor are my skills as developed as I wish. These two statements will never change." Similarly, I hope to always be learning and improving. (In terms of learning from others, two of my favorites are Master Fire and Raven Kaldera.)
Slave experience: I have had some degree of experience on the "slave" end of things -- once being "under consideration" by a Master for a few weeks and once being another guy's "boy" for a few months. (Both of them are very special people with unique strengths and positive things to offer, and it helped me develop a greater understanding of the psychological mechanics on the slave end.) Granted, that is not a lot of experience, but what I learned during that time was substantial, and a lot of this is documented in my previous posts on this blog. I am continuing to reflect on the experiences and learn from them, and surely you can see that I am very thoughtful and reflective about such things. In general, I feel like these experiences have given me greater insight into the needs and issues of subs and slaves, so I would be more aware of these things when in the dominant role.
Caring attitude: If I am to have a slave or a boy, I see him as a prized possession: There to serve me, to bring me joy and pleasure, but also someone who means the world to me and who I want to see be happy as well. While I expect my slave or boy to be fully submissive and obedient to me, I intend to express a very caring and loving sort of domination. I want him to be happy, healthy, safe, and secure -- even if it means I need to occasionally "bend" or compromise in order to accomplish this. Though I expect devotion to my needs and wants, if some particular wants would be harmful to him, physically or emotionally, it would be my "Dom-ly" or "Master-ly" duty to forego those.
Taking things seriously: Although it is really implied by everything I've said earlier, I tend to take life seriously, in general. BDSM and power exchange are no exception. I place a high emphasis on learning, I like for actual play scenes to be profound and beautiful, I am serious about the commitments (both ways) in a power exchange relationship, and I care about the well-being of my boy or slave. To that end, you can always trust that I will not dismiss or neglect the important things in this area.

If you have read this far, then we could, indeed, be compatible in this regard. Your willingness to read indicates that you likely take BDSM and power exchange somewhat as seriously as I do. I will just list a few more things here that are important to me in a boy or slave, though all are a bit negotiable. If these describe you, let's talk more!

I'm mostly interested in the 20-35 age range. Younger guys are likely not mature enough, and older tends to lead to a larger age difference than I'm really into. That said, I'm open to a mature 18 or 19 year-old -- or to a 35+ guy who I click well with (attraction, personality, etc.)
I want a boy/slave who is intelligent, who can carry on a deep conversation at length, who can string together two or more sentences in correct and grammatical English, who doesn't feel the need to end every sentence with "Sir" (or, worse, "SIR") or "Master," and who generally uses language correctly in both speech and writing. (Of course, I'd be understanding of someone who either has not gotten a good education, speaks English as a second language, etc.) I like a guy who thinks about important issues and deep "life questions," someone who's clearly getting oxygen to his brain.
On a related note, it is important that the boy/slave takes BDSM and power exchange as seriously as I -- and demonstrates this! Maybe you have a blog about your own experiences. Maybe we have an intellectual discussion about BDSM, about Master Fire's book, about Raven Kaldera's writings, etc. I'm open to suggestions...
My boy/slave should generally be presentable, particularly as regards two features: hygeine and wardrobe. As often as possible, to the extent possible, I like for my boy to be clean, fresh, and pretty much devoid of "man smells." The only smells I want to perceive are soap, deoderant, cologne, etc. (Unless I'm in a different kinda mood, in which case I might ask you to bathe but not put on anything.)
Similiarly, anytime my boy comes to me, he should show up dressed fairly nicely -- polo and button-down shirts, khakis, nice jeans, dress shoes, those kinds of things. (Granted, whatever you're wearing will probably come off very quickly...) Doesn't have to be expensive or fancy, just nice. Obviously, this is just an ideal; in everyday life, we can't always be as clean or as well-dressed as we'd like, so I'd certainly make allowances for that.
I expect regular and attentive communication. We should converse daily, either by phone or by IM, and it should be clear that you are actively involved in the conversation. Short one-word responses or long silences are forbidden! In addition, I will expect you to keep a "slave blog" so that I can be updated on your everyday life. Your life should be open to me.
I expect cooperation. While I want to know about your needs and concerns, and about any misgivings you have regarding my directions, I don't want it to take extensive negotiations to secure your obedience. I like for things to run smoothly.

If you like what you've read so far, and if you feel like the above describes you fairly well, then let's talk more. There may be substantial potential! You may e-mail me at HeartExalted@gmail.com I look forward to hearing from you.

PLAY ONLY:

As a top, I am often more of a sadist than a dom. In many cases, I just want to restrain you and watch you writhe in pain as I slap you, pull your hair, bite you, and torment your nipples, cock, and balls. And, once I'm done with the front side, I want to turn you over and beat (and bite!) your back and ass. Finally, I want to finish by fucking your mouth or ass and blowing my load--safely, of course! (Also, if I'm into you that way, I also like kissing, making out, and cuddling.) If we could be in public, I may also want to humiliate you and see the look of absolute mortification on your face as I force you to do something really embarrassing. In those cases, I'm not interested in giving orders or being addressed as "Sir" or "Master." I just want you to suffer.
-wicked evil grin-

If we are to play, you must observe my rules:

Know what you would like to get from the play and what your limits are. Don't leave me guessing as to what I may or may not do to you.
Make an effort to use proper, grammatical English. Unless you speak English as a second language, I expect you to be able to string together several complete sentences and sound fairly educated. ALL CAPS is strictly verboten! (Emoticons and abbreviations, like :-) and :-( and "lol" and "brb" don't bother me.)
Be very hygenic. When you come to me (or I to you), I want you clean and smelling good, inside and out. If I sniff under your arm, I want to smell Right Guard, Degree, etc. If I put my face near your crotch or ass, I only want to smell soap from you being freshly washed. Indeed, as you will see below, I am very intolerant of body odor and poor hygeine.
Look presentable. Do not look like some fashion-impaired straight guy on his way to watch football and drink beer with a bunch of other straight guys. Maybe try to look like, I dunno, a frat guy or a Harvard student; nothing too fancy, just a bit on the preppy side. (I may, of course, ask you to dress a specific way, sometimes.)
When we get started, follow directions. Don't make me be forceful, unless I indicate I'm in the mood to be.
While we are playing, SPEAK UP! If you need to give your "go slow" word or your safeword, don't make me struggle to hear you. Effective communication is essential, not only for me, but also for your own well-being!
When we are finished, we may hang and cuddle for a bit, but don't be clingy or hang all over me! Don't try to linger, or get me to linger, either. When I'm ready to finish, I'm ready to finish, period! (Of course, if there is something that requires my attention, please let me know.)
Don't be over-attentive, clingy, or pushy with me afterwards. (That is a huge turn-off, unless I indicate that I want that.) Just be cool, and ya never know, we might play again! :-)

Some HARD limits: injury, permanent damage, bleeding, women, feminization of any sort, animals, kids, flame, scat, substantial bruising, b. o. /poor hygiene (no "man smells" please).

Things I'd try with the right person, if I ever have the right equipment/space and the appropriate skill: electro, sounds, needles, fisting, pee, being dom around non-BDSMers, locking restraints, cages, videotaping, photographing, full slavery. In all cases, I am strictly SSC! ("Safe, sane, consensual")

Me as a Dom or Master?

2008-10-22T20:33:00.000-07:00

This may sound strange to anyone who's seen all the previous posts on my blog, but I am starting to think that maybe I want to be a Dom or Master and have/own a slave or sub.

Okay, so for the past year or so, I always thought of myself as a potential slave (or, at least, a submissive). A slave with a definite dom/sadist streak, but slave nonetheless. My ideal was to find the master who would take me under his protective cover, control me, make me feel safe, look after me, etc. I dreamed of the perfect M/s relationship--and had a tendency to get upset when a particular one (in which I got rather involved) did not prove to be what I hoped it'd be. It was like I wanted to be the slave in a Master/slave relationship, but I wanted it to be my way.

Now, for some reason, I tend to find myself fantasizing about having a slave or a sub, with me as the Dom or Master. I want to be the one telling my boy to strip and stand in front of me for inspection, looking down as he kneels on the floor in front of me, tying him to the bed and using him for my pleasure, having him do various tasks for me, taking him places with me as my (covert) slave, etc. Not that submission does not still appeal to me, but I am finding that I'm liking the idea of being in control and calling the shots, making the rules, or what have you. I'm already thinking of a guy, in particular, I'd be interested in having be my slave.

I guess there were always signs that I might soon feel this way. After all, even when I am submitting or fantasizing about it, I'm more interested in my own experience and my own pleasure than that of my Master or Dom. "To hell with your wants, Sir...Now, get back to flogging me!" It was like I wanted a Master, but I wanted him to master me the way *I* wanted to be mastered...period. I wanted the relationship to be the relationship that *I* wanted. And, when he did not comply, I got really upset with him for it.

In life, I've always been rather submissive and passive in practice, while fantasizing about being active and powerful. For example, imagining myself as a skilled martial artist or knife-thrower, a powerful mage or sorcerer, or an expert in weaponry -- and saving my dream boyfriend from the bad guy. I wanted (and want) to be active, strong, powerful, "bad ass," etc. Could it be that my desire for submission was the comfort of the familiar?

Of course, I am naturally confused by this. I am wondering the following things:
-Why this change? What could explain it?
-Do I really want to be a Master or Dom, or is this mostly just a fantasy?
-Is it possible that I just need the right Master, and this is merely a way for me to compensate by being the Master I had wanted for myself?
-Should I even seek to pursue this role with someone? Do I dare attempt to be a Dom or Master? Who am I to take this role on for myself?
-Could I...would I...be another guy's Dom or Master?

All these questions and more are some that are on my mind at present. Any input/advice is welcomed and appreciated! :-)

Great song for a jilted slave

2008-06-27T17:01:00.000-07:00

I really like this song, and I could just listen to it over and over. For one simple reason: I can identify with it on nearly all levels, if not all of them. In particular, I feel like these two lines are really relevant to my own experience of the situation:
I believed everything you said
And I gave you the best I had

Anyhow, here is the song, for your listening pleasure:

M/s and Drama Don't Mix!

2008-06-25T18:57:00.001-07:00

I say this for one very simple reason: The fact that you will likely have no one to turn to when things get really bad for you. Especially when you're the slave--because it's likely to be doubly traumatic for you because of the extra emotional vulnerabilities that come with being a slave; with those vulnerabilities, one needs someone to lean on even more badly, yet because of your "slave" status, you cannot.

I know this from my own experience. Several months ago, like near the end of last year and beginning of this one, I was going through a rather gut-wrenching experience. To fulfill the slave role and be able to give myself to another person and serve him, I became very vulnerable in the process, and in that very vulnerable state, I ended up experiencing considerable distress and pain due to various things that transpired. (Here, I simply say that "things transpired" in order to avoid pointing fingers at or blaming anyone.) Due to the nature of the relationship, there was no one I could talk to about what was happening and what I was feeling and going through.

It was awful; some days, I didn't even feel like getting out of bed. I was hurting, and I had no one to turn to or to lean on, no one to talk with about what was happening and how I felt about it. Because it was a Master/slave arrangement, I had no one to support me in my distress, and I had to suffer alone.

(Even now, it has really left me afraid to pursue M/s relationships again in the future--because I know what can happen and how damaging it can be.)

This is why I think M/s relationships, much more so than vanilla ones, should strive to be as drama-free as possible. The very nature of the relationship reduces the likelihood that either party will have someone to turn to, and that can be very destructive--especially to slaves, who (by their very nature) will be in particular need of some interpersonal support structure. I know--my experience tells me so!

What he doesn't realize

2008-03-03T05:30:00.000-08:00

I think he doesn't realize a lot, which is not a negative evaluation of him because we all have things that we don't realize. (For example, me not realizing that what was, to me, nothing more than a bitchy blog post could have been so much more to him.) It's just that I think he's unaware of many things from my end.

Like how attractive he is to me. And the kinds of great things he's made me feel, and how deeply he's made me feel those things: Warm, protected, safe, desired, comforted, aroused, and so many more. And how much I long to feel those things again with him, even if there is to be no relationship come of it. I don't think he understands what it's like for me to lie awake in my own bed some nights and hug my pillow, wishing I were at his place, in his bed, and cuddling with him. I miss him so much sometimes. I remember he once asked me "what can I do?" or something like that, and I think I've finally figured out the answer:

What he could do, what I think would be the best possible thing, would be to hold me close, cuddle me, make me feel warm and protected, and tell me everything's going to be okay. His body pressed against mine, his arm around me holding me tightly, his breath on my neck.

That is what I've needed for so long -- and not from just anyone but from him specifically because he is the best person. Again, if it doesn't contribute to the development of a future relationship, then that is okay. Just to feel it again, and then leave the next morning on warm and friendly terms. That is all.

I wonder if he realizes what it's like to be in this position and feeling these things. I'm sure he understands on some level, but I'm not sure that he can totally empathize in this case. What it's like to like and care about this person so much, and want to do everything to make this person happy, and just want to be with them. It's not like my life depends on this, but that doesn't change the fact that I really want it.

When things pass

2008-03-02T13:35:00.001-08:00

Well, he says that he does not want a relationship now or ever with me, at this point. All this happened after an exchange we had earlier when he once again had to turn me down for a visit to his place. Naturally, since I've been trying to get to see him for about three months now, I got a bit frustrated and felt like he was possibly leading me on. It's so confusing: One part of me knows perfectly well that he's not messing with me, but the other part is looking at the fact that I've been trying to see him for a while now, without success. Liking (very close to loving?) someone as much as I do him, and wanting to see that person and be with him so much, can be downright painful at times. I just think of those times when we were together and how I felt like I was exactly where I needed to be, with the person I needed to be with, and I miss him and that feeling so much. God, I just don't want to imagine never being in that place again. I mean, of course life will go on for me, with or without him, but I'd just prefer it to be with him.

I guess that frustration of being in the role of pursuer (a role which he wanted me to take), and wanting to be with him so much and not being able to, just got to me today. And, I had to vent my frustration and feelings -- including my frustration with him for not seeing me yet. And it is hard to continually shake the notion of being led on or something, even if I know that not to be the case. Besides that, I still have difficulty making sense of his own situation; I understand it on one level, but it's sometimes hard for me to take it into account on a more visceral level and be as understanding towards him as I should be. Of course, I think he also has difficulty understanding my own frustration and other feelings.

I also found out that he is still impacted by that blog post from months ago, even after I'd thought he was more or less over it. I really hate the things I said in there, even if the feelings that had inspired it were understandable. I wish I'd found a different way to deal with it. Then again, after that happened, I wrote many MANY more blog posts in which I talked about how great he was, so if he can't be as impacted by the positive ones, then I cannot help that. The positive ones are a much greater reflection of my truer, deeper feelings than that one negative one, and I wish he could see that.

I guess I should have just kept my big mouth shut and worked it out myself, in my own head. Or just been more patient with him. Now, he just doesn't want me at all, it seems, and I hate the thought. The last thing he told me just now was that he didn't have the energy for the discussion we were having. That's how he sees me now: I'm just this messed up guy who takes things too seriously and personally, gets upset over little things, has irrational feelings, takes too much of his energy during conversations, etc. etc.

It hurts to think of it. I don't want him to see me that way. I want him to see me the way he saw me when we were first together, when he once told me he thought I was "perfect." (Not literally, but you get the idea.) Back when the thought of me coming over and us seeing each other excited him. Back when he had also those wonderful and beautiful feelings for me...the kind I continue to have for him. That's how I want him to see me and think of me, but I just don't know how to get back to that point. I want to, though. I really really want to.

He's just so amazing and has given me so many wonderful feelings-- that's what makes it hurt. I don't want it to be over, and I don't want the possibility of something happening in the future to be closed off. I can't stand the word "never" in this case. (And, what's worse is the fact that he has a date tonight. The thought of him with someone else is just so depressing. I mean, I'm still trying to see other guys too, but I'd prefer for us to be with each other.)

At least I can give him his Christmas gift soon. I don't even care if he doesn't have one for me. I just want him to have something he'll enjoy (which I'm sure he will) and something to remember me positively.

This is such a crazy situation, and I don't even begin to know what to do. Surely I'll think of something, though.

Life is crazy

2008-02-11T02:54:00.001-08:00

Life can be really wacky, sometimes. You go in directions you never imagined yourself going. Sometimes, even in reverse. And, yet, the entire time, some things are constant. And, you wonder, "What on earth is going on here?" Hell if I know! LOL

Polyamorous longings

2008-01-13T19:31:00.000-08:00

A lot of my fantasies involve the presence of others -- either as spectators or participants. For instance, I have some vivid "public humiliation" fantasies:

(A male dom is standing next to me, a group of other people in the room)
Him (puts collar on me): Now, since you're my sub, this collar's all you'll need to wear. Just take off the rest of those clothes, fold them up, and put them away.
Me: In front of all these people, sir?
Him: That's right.
Me: But, sir...
Him: Now!
Me: Yes sir... (complies and faces him)
Him: Good boy. (He takes my cock in his hand, turns to the others, and smiles.) Isn't that the cutest little boy cock you've ever seen? (I am totally embarrassed and look at the ground.) Now, turn around, so your back is facing us. (I do) Spread your legs apart. (I obey) Now bend over and spread your cheeks open for us.
Me: Oh, sir, please, not that!
Him (grabs balls and squeezes): Do it now!
Me: Ow, yes sir... (I comply)

(Then, he could do some other things to heighten my sense of being exposed and humbled in front of these people--discipline, buttplug, forced j/o. At the end, he might force me to crawl around to the others, naked, asking them if I can cum. How embarrassing, and how hot! And, once it's all over, he cuddles me and makes me feel better -- how sweet!)

That just involves the others as spectators, but I also have some fantasies involving others as participants -- for example, a gangbang fantasy:

I'm in a room with the dom and a few other guys. I'm just wearing an old t-shirt and some shorts, and I've already done some plugging and fingering beforehand. The other guys are surrounding me on all sides. As they start to close in, I try to get away, but they grab me and wrestle me to the floor. I struggle with all my might, but they forcibly remove all my clothes, leaving me naked. They tease and taunt me a little bit as they gag me and restrain me in a good gangbang position. For a while, they torment me in various ways -- cbt, flogging, cp, etc. Then, the gangbang begins. First, the dom fucks me for a good long while the other guys watch and, perhaps, one gets his dick sucked. Then, he steps back to rest and watch while another guy fucks me... then another...and another... once they're done, he comes back to finish it off. Once we're doing, my restraints are undone, and I get up -- thoroughly used. The guys all pat me on the back and tell me I did well, and leave. He and I spend the rest of the night together.

Of course, this brings up the issue of exclusivity. I do like the idea of exclusivity and find it romantic because part of me wants to be with one person. On the other hand, my gangbang fantasy overtly involves other people, which a lover might not be comfortable with. Now, just because they were fucking me wouldn't mean that it was more than that; I would be no less committed to him, and any emotional intimacy would be with him alone. Anyone else's involvement would be solely physical. Granted, that knowledge may not be enough to comfort him, and he still may not be comfortable with the idea, so it's probably something we'll have to talk through more.

Another desire of mine that conflicts with exclusivity is my latent dominant streak. I love being forced to strip naked, tormented, fucked, made to suck dick, and otherwise dominated. It's a wonderful feeling -- all the more so when I have intense feelings for and attraction to the guy. However, I also want to be in this position with a male sub. I also want be the one saying "Strip, boy!", swinging the paddle or strap, using his hole, and otherwise dominating him. Obviously, me and a strict dom are not going to switch roles, as that would be uncomfortable for both of us, to say the least. Which means I'd have to find someone else to submit to me, and I'm not sure how he'd feel about that. It might be nice for the two of us (me and a dom) to dominate a sub together...that could be fun! :-)

I'm starting to wonder if I am, perhaps, polyamorous. Like, in my first real relationship, back in 2003-04, I was very much in love with the person I was with. Even still, though, I was feeling a strong urge to experience other guys, as well -- on the physical level. This urge has come to me in subsequent relationships, as well, such as my first relationship in Boston. The guy I was with back then was great, but I wanted to experience others. This always happens to me! Even though I desire monogamy and exclusivity as an ideal, I have the desire to play around. It's like, when I'm single, I want to be in a relationship soooo bad, but once I've been in a relationship for a while, I start wishing I were single so that I could play around. Well, not really even wishing I were single...more like wishing we could open up the relationship so that I could have sexual contacts with others, as well.

Now, of course, I wanted to be with the guy I was seeing not too long ago. We had a bumpy few months, but I thought he was something special (and, to an extent, still do), and I wanted to stay with him for a long time. And, perhaps some of that desire was just a side effect of us not having had much time together near the end. After all, one of the things I noticed early on was that, with him, I didn't feel that continuous, nagging desire for sexual gratification outside the relationship because he was what I wanted and needed. I think monogamy was, and is, my personal ideal.

And now, even when I express these more polyamorous desires, perhaps you'll notice that the person I'm with (whoever that may be at the time) is still the main focus. I want him to be the one publicly humiliating me, I want him to be in charge of the gangbang, and I want to dominate a sub alongside him. This is very different; in the past, I wanted to experience others but was not interested in doing so with my significant other; now, however, I want to experience others but alongside someone I like/love.

To me, this suggests that there was something different about that relationship and something special about that guy-- specifically, that he excited and inspired me to a greater extent than past lovers.

Taking a break...

2008-01-08T21:39:00.000-08:00

Well, he's decided he wants us to take a two-week break. I'm not going to whine or freak out over it, but I really don't like the idea at all. (Especially since it's already been nearly three weeks since we last saw each other.) I'm not going to give him a hard time about it, but I am admittedly frustrated! I kinda wish we coulda done it differently -- for example, spend the night together once after he gets back from his trip and then start the two weeks. Nonetheless, I promised not to be difficult about this, and I intend to keep that promise.

I can understand why he felt the need to; I'm not at all oblivious to how difficult I've been lately. To be fair, I feel like my reasons are understandable this time, but perhaps I could have handled things better. Instead, I just gave him added stress in addition to what he already had on his plate. So, I guess I kinda brought it on myself, as it were. At least I can work on not putting him in that position in the future.

I'm going to try to see this as a challenge. He needs this, so I'll do what I can to make it the easiest and the most productive for him. (It's not like we'll be cutting off all contact; he said we could still talk.) I'll be extremely agreeable and cooperative. I will continue to do my part back here, serving him in the various ways I do (e.g., plugging and shaving). We'll talk to whatever extent he is comfortable with, and he'll get the space he needs during this time. One thing's for sure, this is a great opportunity to impress him and show him that I can be exceptionally understanding and patient.

Also, I feel like it could be beneficial for me, as well. It turns out, in the process of becoming submissive to him and dedicated to serving him, I kinda lost touch with some other parts of myself that I need to reconnect with. By putting myself into his hands (in more ways than one), I lost touch with the confidence and independence I'd managed to develop over the years, and that's really shown. My overall sense of self has eroded somewhat, and I really need to find that again. I care about him and feel so many wonderful things for him, and I want to stay with him for a long time to come, but I really realize now that I need to find some way to be subservient and dedicated to him but also confident and independent in myself -- all at the same time! This is a real challenge, to say the least. I can use the next two weeks for that purpose, among others.

I almost feel like we should be characters on Queer as Folk or some other gay soap. Seriously, we have enough angst and frustration that we could sell it and make a profit. Fortunately, though, I have a nice feeling that it's a prelude to a great relationship between the two of us. As frustrated and angsty as I've gotten recently, one things that has not changed is my commitment and dedication to him. No matter how annoyed, upset, or fed up with him I get, I never stop caring. That, I believe, is what will see us through.

Right now, though, I just want his trip to go well and for him to have a safe flight home because his well-being is the most important thing to me. One thing I know is that, after these two weeks, he will have an amazing massage and blow-job waiting for him! ;-)

Figuring stuff out

2008-01-03T15:46:00.000-08:00

Well, the drama continues, though not anywhere close to the form it took a month or so ago. I'm just continuing to sort through my feelings and figure all this stuff out. (Without losing my head in the process.) However, this post does end on a POSITIVE note! :-)

I couldn't fight it anymore. I couldn't suppress my increasing awareness of this thing, and it was becoming more and more clear to me. I was not satisfied with things as they are. I was frustrated and unfulfilled. I was unhappy.

Briefly, we have barely seen each other lately, nor had we had any communication outside of instant messenger. Add to this the fact that there have been no exceptionally-involved scenes for a while, and I haven't had an orgasm since Nov. 21. And, I felt like we hadn't really had the opportunity to cultivate the vanilla component of our relationship. Needless to say, I was feeling very unfulfilled and deprived. Of course, none of this is his fault. He's been really busy with work, especially recently, so naturally he doesn't have time to meet very often. As he's indicated to me in the past, time is a precious commodity for him, so whatever time he makes for me at all is an incredible act on his part. Thus, I understand why things are as they are and do not blame him for it.

Still, understanding can accomplish only so much, and my frustration remained. Thus, I approached him with a question about how he felt about the relationship thus far. The expectation was that this question would take us to the point where we'd decide what to do with all this.

Well, as expected, he did not take it well. Which is understandable because he has so much stuff in his life draining his energy -- including stuff I didn't even know about until a short time ago! And, I absolutely hate knowing that I added even more stress to his plate, yet at the same time, it was bugging me and wouldn't go away. We ended up kinda talking past one another: My theme was "I'm so unfulfilled," and his theme was "I'm doing everything I can." The thing is, we both had legitimate positions. Ultimately, it's an impasse of sorts.

Eventually, he just called me up shortly after the conversation began and we had it out over the phone. Clearly, I was making him feel bad, even though that was not my intention. He kept asking what I wanted from him. Rightly so, no less, because I bring a lotta difficult issues to the table, and I think he is really at a loss for dealing with those. It doesn't help that things have been extremely stressful for him lately. Yet, here I am adding more worries to the ones he already has, and I feel very guilty for that. Not a paralyzing, all-consuming guilt but a type of guilt that really makes me want to do better in the future.

Earlier, I had written several things to let him know about my desire to be supportive of him through all these difficult times and to be strong for him, so I naturally feel kinda bad that I haven't lived up to those things. My desire to be understanding of him in these difficult times sometimes runs up against my frustration over things, and it is my task to overcome my frustration in order to achieve my goal of being supportive. Here is some of what I said to him:

For as long as we are together in this, especially if it proves to be long-term (fingers crossed), I really want you to see me as someone you can turn to in times of trouble; someone who will strive to be exceedingly understanding; someone who will comfort you, support you, and try to make it all better. For most of this relationship, I've always wanted you to be the strong one so that I wouldn't have to be, but I'm really starting to realize that, sometimes, I *do* need to be strong so that YOU don't have to be. I'm starting to realize that being strong for you is yet another form of service.

When I get frustrated, emotional, and irrational, it is discouraging to the both of us, in different ways. It pushes him away, and it has the potential to send me into deeper realms of negativity. But, it's just not me, and it's not who I want to be. The person I want to be is the person above, the one who can be strong and understanding and patient for the Master that he adores sooooo much. By which I mean, even stronger and more understanding! It's just a matter of living up to my best potential.

Fortunately, I'm getting to the point where these failures don't get me down. Yeah, they're regrettable, but I can always do better. I can live up to the expectations I set for myself and that he sets for me. I will screw up at times, but I can also improve. I do improve constantly (even if it's not always apparent to him), and I will improve even more.

One helpful thing I learned it talking to him was that it's okay for me to call him and talk to him or try to come over. I had thought that, as a good slave, I should not bother him until he was ready to see me, but it turns out he wants me to try to see him. He explained that we should be equal in the relationship itself. Imagine my surprise! So, I'm getting into the habit of that. I won't bother him right now, since he's got so much else on his plate, but when he gets back into the city from his trip, I'm gonna be even more proactive! (I'm really glad because this is what I've been wanting to do anyway -- to be able to just call him up and try to come over. To have a little bit of spontaneity.)

Hes a great guy (a great guy in general, and even greater for putting up with me LOL), and I'm gonna be the supportive slave (and more) that he needs and wants me to be; I know I can do it! For him and for myself! As hard as it can be at times, I must remain confident! :-)

A special day...

2008-01-03T13:12:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day is a little over a month away and oh, the possibilities! As a slave for whom service is the most meaningful and fulfilling in a context romance and eroticism, I am very much looking forward to this day. I am hoping that, on that day (or a day close to the time, depending on his schedule), we can get together and share some good food, deep feelings, and great sex! I am wondering, should we go for dinner, or order in and spend the evening alone? Rent a movie? S&M or not? So many questions for such a magnificent day! :-)

A collaring fantasy

2008-01-01T10:25:00.000-08:00

Me and my Master have discussed a training collar for me, as he said that he thinks it's time for me to have one. This would be a simpler matter than a permanent collar, which would probably be a long while off yet -- as it should be, considering what a huge decision it is. Still, I feel that some small degree of ceremony and formality is in order to make it a little special -- though not as special as a permanent collaring. ;-)

Here is a kinda fantasy collaring that I've con-cock-ted in my own head. Hope you enjoy!

We are in his apartment, in the living room, the only light coming from candles. He is standing, dressed in a button-down shirt, black pants, and dress shoes. I am on the floor, on my hands and knees, head bowed, naked and shaved everywhere below my neck. He stands about a foot in front of my head and bends down to run his fingers through my hair and caress my neck, shoulders, and back. I relax into the feel of his touch and feel tingly all over. Then, he stands up straight, looking down at me, and we begin.

I start to speak, offering myself to him and making my promises: "Sir, it's been an honor and a privilege having you in my life so far, with all the ups and downs, and I want to take the next step with you. In you, I see an amazing person, on so many levels. You are intelligent, responsible, and successful. You are kind and caring, while providing the control that I crave. You are an incredible sexual partner, always leaving me wanting more. And physically, you are a very handsome and beautiful young man, always filling me with awe and desire. Thus, I offer myself to you, here and now, as your slave. My body, mind, and heart are yours, so that you may train and mold me into the slave and lover you want and need, and ready me for both a permanent collar and a deeper relationship. I pledge to you my service, my devotion, and my loyalty, and I promise to serve you with honor, dignity, and pride -- placing your wants and needs ahead of mine and seeking your pleasure before my own. I will increase my trust in you -- placing my physical and emotional safety into your hands, knowing you will look after those. I will kneel humbly and look up to you in respect and admiration. I will accept your correction and discipline in order to become a better slave and person, prepare myself for your permanent collar, and be worthy of calling you my Master. Sir, I submit myself to you, offer myself as your slave, and request your training collar. Will you accept?" I then kiss his feet in a show of submission.

"Yes, boy, I accept," he replies with a smile, and I let out a sigh of relief, continuing to stare at the ground beneath his feet. (Not that there was any question of him saying "no"; it's just that it's such an emotional moment.) He then continues with his own statement to me: "I do not accept this gift lightly but rather with a full understanding of what I am receiving. I have found you worthy of being my slave because of [list of my qualities that he likes]. I will now work to make myself worthy of the title of 'Master.' To the best of my ability, I will strive for excellence in training you and in owning you, making you into the best slave you can be and readying you for deeper levels of both slavery and affection. I accept your service, devotion, and loyalty to me as a great honor, and I will always strive to live up to that. I will also remind you of your own value and push you to live up to it consistently and fully. I promise that you will always find security and stability with me -- in my eyes, at my feet, and in my embrace. I will strive to remain conscious of your safety and your needs, and to consider your wants and pleasure when appropriate, so that you are free to focus on me and my needs. Your trust is a precious gift, and I will strive to remain worthy of it. Just as I will correct and discipline you to keep you performing at your best, I will also hear your input so that I can perform at my best, as well. Finally, I will use this new stage in order to guide us towards a permanent collar, as our eventual goal. I accept your submission, I claim you as my slave, and I shall now place my training collar upon you."

He turns and picks up the collar and padlock. "Up, boy. On your knees, head bowed, hands behind your back!" I comply, getting butterflies in my stomach. He reaches down, places the collar around my neck, runs the lock through the hole, and snaps it shut. Then, he holds the key beneath my head for a second, so that I can see it. "I hold the key now -- to this collar and to you!"

He then stands, places the key onto his own keyring, puts the keyring back in his pocket, and commands me, "Hands behind your head, boy. Look up." I haven't seen his face at all throughout this, so I raise my head slowly -- my hairless little boy cock standing up and dripping precum. There he is, his cute face looking down at me smiling, while I stare back in awe of him. He then kneels in front of me, grabs the collar, and forces me down to where I'm sitting on my feet. He then places his hand behind my head, leans in close, and whispers in my ear, "Just be natural, now, boy."

He starts to kiss me on the lips passionately, thrusting his tongue into my mouth, and I kiss back with equal vigor. I place my arms around him and press myself into his body, and he holds me back. We do this for a few moments until he pauses and reaches behind my head, grabbing hold of the collar.

"Are you ready, slaveboy?" he asks, gripping the collar tightly, pulling my head back, and staring into my eyes intensely.
"Yes, Master."

The last line is rather important; after the training collar is placed upon me, I think it'd be an appropriate point for me to being addressing him as "Master," unless he has other ideas, of course. Who knows what'd happen after this collaring? A hot scene? Love-making? Going out to dinner? All are valid and appealing options.

Normally, I'd want him to be naked, too, because he's so damned hot, but in this case, I think having him dressed nicely is good because it's a special occasion, because he looks really cute dressed that way, and because the clothed Master/naked slave aspect really reinforces the power dynamic.

As for the promises we make, we'd of course qualify our expectations on the basis of our own constraints. He's a part-time grad student with a full-time job, and I'm a full-time grad student and teaching assistant, so we naturally can't do everything we'd like to do. He's limited in the amount of time, attention, and training he can provide, and I'm limited in the amount of service I can provide. Thus, any pledge or promise would contain the implied caveat "to the extent we are able." Ultimately, what matters is the intent behind our words and actions.

I'm not sure whether the bestowing of the training collar will replicate this fantasy or to what extent, and he may have other ideas. Still, I feel like it provides a nice blueprint or starting point for us to think about what the training collar means to the both of us. More serious than we've been thus far but not at the level of a permanent collar -- moving beyond the past and looking towards the future, all in the present, it seems. Who knows? (Trust me, I can come up with something even MORE elaborate for a permanent collaring!)

That, and there's the fact that the collaring fantasy is really arousing! lol

Want to be "Mastered"

2007-12-23T16:15:00.000-08:00

I have a very great guy in my life, and I feel so thankful just that he's there. My Master is an amazing person, and as each day passes, I am becoming more and more attached to him. On the one hand, that's good because it entails an increasing desire to serve him well and be pleasing to him all around. On the other, it also increases the things I need and want from him as a slave, which can be problematic when one's as busy as he is (full-time job and part-time grad school). I have this constant internal conundrum--wanting certain things from him but also wanting to be respectful of his own constraints at this stage in his life (and not demand too much). I'm not sure how to deal with it, always, but I do know that I want to stay at his side, as his slave, whichever direction it goes.

I guess I just want him to "Master" me more. For example, last night, he was getting ready to take a plane flight, and he had a lot of work to do around his place. I offered to come over and take some of the labor onto myself. And, would ya believe it, he was reluctant to do so because it would be pure service, with no sex or anything. On one hand, this is exactly why I like him so much--because he's so kind and caring like that! And I would never want that to change. At the same time, though, I would like for him to be more comfortable accepting servitude from me, without always feeling like he has to give something in return. Of course I love receiving sexual gratification! Who wouldn't? But I also just want to please that sweet, wonderful guy and make his life easier when and where I can. I want him to care about my happiness and my pleasure but also to realize that part of that comes from being able to serve and please him. For example, if there's a similar situation in the future, I'd like him to just have me over, let me help him by serving in whatever way he needs, and then he can praise me, give me a hug and a kiss, and send me home. Then, later on in the near future, he can do something nice for me or reward me, if he feels the need to.

Similarly, I am starting to wonder if, during play, he holds back from making it as intense as he wants because of worry about what I want. If giving me that extra smack with a paddle would please him, then I want him to take it; I need him to take it because I need his pleasure! He has planned a rather intense CP/C.B.T. session for the future, but I'm concerned that he won't take as much as he wants out of the experience because of what he perceives that I want or don't want. Truly, though, I want him to go as far as his heart desires. If paddling and strapping my butt and tormenting my cock and balls until I'm a broken, sobbing, blubbering mess will bring him pleasure, then I want nothing less; all I would ask would be that he works me up to the highest intensities and provides appropriate aftercare (attending to any wounds, kissing, cuddling, caressing) once he's finished. In short, I want him to CARE about my wants and desires, but I also want him to be willing to put HIS wants and desires ahead of my own, when appropriate.

In addition, I must admit that I want to be "Mastered" for my own sake, as well, for my fulfillment and the positive influence in my life. I kinda wish he'd take more control of my everyday life--such as finding out from me what things I need to accomplish for the week, telling me what I am required to accomplish for each day, and then demanding a report of my activities. (If I accomplish everything, he says "good boy"; if not, then I'm required to explain why, and if the explanation's not good enough, I get punished.) Also, he says I have a bad habit of whining, and maybe I do, so he could also train me out of that, as well. More generally, I want to be trained and molded into the slave that he wants, and I guess it's just a desire for him to take a more active role in "Mastering" me.

I feel guilty for these wants because he's so busy, and I worry that I'm being ungrateful because he's been so great to me already, and I don't want to make demands on his time beyond what he can given. If what he's given so far is all that he's able to at present, then I want to learn to be content with that. After all, for me, I consider it part of my service to be understanding of his work load and time constraints. (Just like I'd like to have a phone chat every other day--or even daily--between our meetings but don't push the issue because I know he doesn't like the phone.) I would love to figure out how to vocalize my own wants and needs without being a "pushy slave" in the process and without letting it hinder my primary goal of serving him.

I think it's just that I've managed to stumble upon a terrific person whom I would be honored to call both a Master and a lover, and I want to develop it to its fullest potential. So far, based on what I've seen, I really like him...and, if things continue in that direction, I might eventually grow to love him--and hopefully the other way around, as well. Right now, we are contemplating a training collar for me, and if we continue to grow closer to one another and prove compatible, then that training collar might become a permanent one. (Who knows, several months or years down the road, we might even look into a live-in arrangement!) Again, I have romantic dreams and sometimes let those cloud my head, so I look towards him to keep me grounded and centered and to make the big decisions where our relationship is concerned.

For now, I'm content to follow and serve him and let the road take us where it will... :-)

Powerless

2007-12-20T20:48:00.000-08:00

My Master just had something very difficult and troublesome happen to him. I don't know all the details, and I'm not at liberty to share what it was about, but it does look like something that could be problematic for him for a while down the road. When I knew he was in such dire straits, I wanted so bad to be able to help him, and it felt awful not having anything I could offer him in that respect. I wished there were some way I could make it better, either through brainstorming a solution or through some form of service to take his mind off it. The best I could do, though, was advise him to try to focus on other tasks instead of thinking about that. (I felt like it was trite and empty words, but at least I was doing something for him, in some small way.) Besides, he knows I'm ready to help him in whatever way, if and when able.

I hate to see him upset like this. He's a great guy, and he doesn't deserve this bullshit in his life. I hope it resolves itself in some way so that he can have the kinda good luck he deserves. I'll just try to send good thoughts his way and pray that things get better for him. He deserves nothing but happiness and success.

Sir, I'm here, I'm thinking about you, and I care! :-)

Need some vanilla (?)

2007-12-16T13:20:00.000-08:00

First, ladies and gentlemen, let me reassure you that I'm not one of those "fake" subs and slaves that you often hear about. I genuinely desire a sex life of bondage, domination, discipline, and pain, and I sincerely desire to submit to another man as his slave as part of our relationship.

That said, I also desire a substantial amount of vanilla as a part of that. Just see my previous post on "love and slavery." With this guy in my life, I want him to own me, dominate me, use me, and inflict pain on me, but that's not all I want. I also want us to hug and kiss and cuddle. Sometimes, I want an intense CBT session, but sometimes I also want a nice, long make-out session--us with our arms around each other, bodies grinding (clothed, shirtless, underwear, naked, take your pick), lips attacking each other's, tongues thrusting into each other's mouths. I need to feel like a slave, owned, controlled, and dominated...but I also need to feel like a lover and, eventually, a boyfriend.

Unfortunately, we haven't had much of an opportunity, yet, to go out on dates and do more romantic things. I do not blame him for it. His schedule often limits the kinda things we can do, so we usually end up spending the night together. This often kinda puts me into a moral dilemma. On the one hand, I appreciate and cherish those nights together very much, and it means so much to me that he makes the time for me. On the other, I continue to long for dates and other vanilla stuff in addition, and I often feel a little deprived as a result; it starts to gnaw at me, and I feel guilty for not being completely satisfied with what he's already given me. I just hate to sound ungrateful, which I'm really not, I promise. At the very least, I will continue to be understanding of him and his time constraints.

Besides, we've had smaller dates before: lunch together, shopping, a movie, which were amazing. He, too, has expressed interest in having dates, so I know that, when the time is right, it will happen, according to his own wishes -- and that comforts me and makes me feel better. :-)

In many ways, I guess I feel like this is an opportunity to enjoy what I missed out on in college--young, gay love. In college, I was too busy being the activist, standing out from the crowd in the name of justice. I do not regret this because I feel it was the right thing to do, but it did fuck me over in the romance department. I was really considered chronically undateable by the largely closeted and subdued gay community at my college for my refusal to be silent in the shadows. I did have a serious boyfriend for six months but even that left me unfulfilled because he was definitely NOT dominant at all, so there was still a hole needing to be filled.

But, this guy may be the one I was looking for all this time: (1) I'm so unbelievably attracted to him, (2) the Master/slave dynamic gives me that sense of control and security I've always wanted, (3) we have many similar interests, such as theater, and (4) we're still young! Besides the BDSM and Master/slave stuff, there are so many "normal" things I want to do with him:

Romantic dinners
Quiet nights at home (maybe cuddling underneath a blanket together and sipping hot cocoa)
Walks and picnics in the park (or on one of Boston's harbor islands)
Plays and movies
Attending social events together
Hitting the dance floor at a gay club
Shopping

The best part is, all of this "vanilla" stuff can be spiced up through our dominant and submissive dynamic. He can decide where we go to dinner or what plays and movies we watch. I can be naked and collared underneath the blanket while we cuddle and drink hot cocoa. At parties or social events, I can still serve him in less conspicuous, more subtle ways. At the club, if he wants us to dance, he can grab my collar and pull me towards the dance floor. :-D

He once said he was reticent about having a boyfriend at present, which I can and will respect. One of the things he mentioned was that he was still trying to figure out the M/s thing. Of course, I've recently learned that M/s can actually make a vanilla relationship run more smoothly because there are clearer expectations. For us, conflict might be more avoidable because the norm will be that I defer to his wishes and his authority, and achieving compatibility is easier because the training process can mold me into the kind of slave (and partner) he wants and needs. Eh, it's all a process.

Fortunately, we are moving slowly. I'm not hearing wedding bells in my head yet, and we still have to get to know each other and figure out if we're compatible in the long run. We also must figure out the rate at which we want to step things up and to what extent. I am willing to wait and take things on a day-by-day basis. (Or, in our case, a week-by-week basis...LOL) Based on recent experience, though, I am optimistic.

To sum it all up, this is the kind of guy that I want to own me and dominate me, but he's also the kinda guy that I would want to introduce to my friends and family or take to my class reunion as my partner. He is a hot S&M partner and a great Master, but he is also an amazing person--someone that I am proud and honored to know and have in my life. He is the kind of guy I would want to date even on solely vanilla terms, if I was still trying to be vanilla. And, if he one day decided that he didn't want a Master/slave dynamic, just a kinky submissive lover, I would still want to be with him because I like him that much! Assuming that things continue to go well with us and continue in the direction they have been, this could blossom into something very special.

Bumps on the Road

2007-12-13T17:09:00.000-08:00

Well, life is just crazy sometimes, ain't it? LOL

Me and my dear owner finally got the chance to see on another again, both this past Tuesday and the one before that. It was about time, most definitely! We'd been separated for far too long. Mostly due to his schedule; he's such a busy bee! It's a wonder (and wonderFUL) that he manages to make time for me at all, so I'm happy when things work out for us like that.

The first meeting since all the drama (last week) was like a breath of fresh air for us! We were so thrilled to see each other, and he even chose to postpone a punishment that I originally had coming. He kept coming over to me to put his arms around me and hold me, and it was awesome. (Although, he kept pacing back and forth around the room, and it frustrated the hell outta me because I wanted to kneel in front of him, kiss his feet and hands, and stare up at him! But, soon, I am sure...)

I even brought some extra massage supplies over with me in order to make it extra special! As we got started with his massage, we started to talk about a number of issues of ours, and I'll just recap briefly:

I had previously requested that he schedule us a regular "Slave Night" in order to reduce the likelihood of his schedule preventing us from seeing each other regularly in the future, as it had over the past several weeks. (My reasoning was that, if a schedule was so vital in his life, we might as well try to work with it.) He said that would probably be difficult because he's not sure there's a night where he wouldn't have to constantly reschedule. Still, he said he'd try to do it because it's so important to me, so I really appreciate that. :-)
The "vanilla" component of our relationship. He is not ready for a "boyfriend" kinda relationship at present. At first, I was really bummed when I heard that because I want vanilla in addition to M/s, but then, he explained that what he meant was that we just needed to develop more together and get to know each other more. He even said he felt like we were moving in that direction. The truth is, I personally have a tendency to move too fast in relationships, so if he's in charge, perhaps he can decide the rate at which we move. Truthfully, it shouldn't matter whether we call each other "boyfriend" or not; what matters is what we currently have together, and that's pretty damned awesome!
My triggers--i.e., the things that are likely to upset me and set me off. He wanted me to tell him about some of these so that he could avoid hurting me in the future, and I felt like he really did reevaluate his own role in our drama, and that meant the world to me. I didn't really get into it as much as I should have. Partly because I was not able to think of everything at the moment, partly because I didn't want to put the responsibility on him for my emotional reactions, and partly because I didn't want to bring up the past. That said, I am going to try and do a better job for him soon and come up with a better list of triggers.
BDSM and Master/slave events. Two issues for him, it seems. First, they always seem to fall at times when he's busy. Second, he's still uncomfortable with them at this stage--not quite ready to go into that. Still, I hope he'll be able to later on. At play events, it'd be good because I have a major exhibition fetish, and I get rock hard at the thought of being stripped butt naked in front of others, humbled, and tormented in various diabolical ways. And for non-play events, it'd be such an honor to show up at his side, letting everyone know I belong to him. (What can I say? I'm a hopeless romantic! I'm crazy about him, and I want the whole damn world to know! Hehehehe)

I feel like we got to understand each other a lot more and reconnect beautifully. He especially like my massage techniques that night because I included a more sophisticated scratching device (a bath brush with bristles) and peppermint lotion. The massage that night was one of the most intimate ones we had shared in a long time, and it felt so amazing to just be there, providing him with service and seeing him pleased. This was a defining moment for me because I realized I was truly receiving fulfillment and pleasure just from pleasing him. It was so special!

(He even let me sleep in the bed, after all! And, the next morning, I did remember to start sucking him off and offer him his morning massage, so I'm very proud of myself for that, hehe...)

All in all, it was a great night, and I was thrilled to finally reconnect with him!

This past Tuesday, we met again. It was actually a sudden thing where he invited me over, so I did less preparation as a result. I also brought over my new paddle and leather strap, which was convenient for him because he still needed to punish me. Since I had the paddle, he reduced the punishment to ten strokes and gave them to me. By the tenth (and hardest) stroke, I was quite a bit shaken up, but he comforted me and it was an amazing feeling. He was impressed that I took it and didn't try to throw my hand back or anything. What can I say? I do my best!

During the massage, we had a nice long talk about his career and recent developments there. He's really a very accomplished person, and while I admire that, I must admit it also makes me envious. He's a couple of years younger than me yet so much more accomplished, and I sometimes feel like i really haven't done much at all. :-( Oh, well...I'm sure I'll eventually find my own place in my field. Besides, it's always fun looking up to him in many different ways.

After the massage, he had me bend over his legs, and he inflicted some cbt on me while smacking me with the paddle. It got to the point where I was really tensed up and scared, but in a very very good way. I was dreading the paddle smack, especially when he'd draw it near and tease me but not smack. Yet, at the same time, I felt really controlled and dominated, and also very secure because of the substantial trust. (Just thinking about it now makes me so damn hard!)

Later that night, as we were cuddling and talking, we decided that we wanted to have sex. So, I put the lube on my entrance and on his dick, and we started going at it. He moved me around to many different positions and was sometimes hard and sometimes gentle, and it really really excited me! He'd also pin my wrists down to the bed, call me "slaveboy," and talk dirty to me...WOW!!! (One thing I need to learn how to do is to keep my hole tightened up around his cock so I can maximize his pleasure.) Eventually, he put me on my side, put his arm around my body, and we started going at it in this position. This time, it was easier and more relaxed, and I didn't have to tighten up; he just started sliding in and out of me. I think this was really the best part for me; after all the hard fucking (which was awesome in its own way), this was more tender and affectionate, and it send me into a special kinda head-space. No doubt he could hear my moans of pleasure.

Eventually, we just fell asleep with him inside me. Although, later in the night, he pulled out and threw his condom aside, and we went back to sleep.

The next morning, he had me rub his back for a bit, and then he started grinding against me. We did that for a while, and eventually, he started to press right against my hole and asked if I trusted him. I said I did, and he slid in. Instinctively, I was like, "Do you have a condom on?!?!" But, he wasn't going to cum inside me or anything, it was just to be inside. I did enjoy it, and it made the moment more intimate.

When he told me he'd been tested a week earlier and it'd been negative, I just naturally asked if I could see the test results. I think, for me, it was probably simply that a piece of paper appears more definite, but he felt like his word wasn't good enough for me, and it did seem to hurt his feelings. It kinda threw a damper on the moment, and he just told me to go shower and then leave.

Fortunately, though, I think he quickly realized that probably wasn't the best response, so he called me back over to the bed and we had a talk about sex, protection, HIV, and all that stuff, and he also reassured me we wouldn't be having unprotected sex for a while. I just kinda lay my head on him and let him comfort me for a bit before I went to take a shower. (He also blew a nice load all over my face! )

I think the biggest issue was that I simply wasn't expecting it, and it kinda surprised me and threw me for a loop. Once I had time to process everything, I felt better. The truth is, I really liked feeling him inside me like that, and I hope we eventually get to the point where bareback is the norm between us!

One thing I figured out from this is that he has considerable difficulty dealing with my thoughts and feelings. He doesn't always know how to react to them, and he sometimes takes things personally or the wrong way. I think that, just as I have difficulty sometimes adjusting to a slavish role (the lack of control and boundaries, the vulnerability, and the feelings it induces), he also is adjusting to the idea of having this kind of influence over, and responsibility for, another person's welfare--in this case, emotional welfare. (Especially at our ages, LOL!) Plus, he is a human being with human feelings, so it's only natural that he will be affected by things sometimes. I think this presents us both with a major challenge: While my challenge is to develop a proper slavish attitude, his challenge is to understand my thoughts and feelings in their proper context of slave development without taking them as personally.

Of course, I think we're both making progress. For example, that morning, he was pretty quick and effective about defusing the situation and resolving the situation. For my part...in the past, I would have normally stayed mad at him for having told me to leave, but this time, I managed to get over it much quicker. In fact, one of the things I pointed out to him was that we'd managed to get through this incident without getting mad at each other. :-D I'm proud of us both!

Afterward, he even checked with me repeatedly to make sure I was fine. "Are you okay?" A few minutes later, "Are you sure you're okay?" Same thing a few hours later, and several more hours after that. It really meant a lot to me and made me feel cared about and secure! I'm really becoming more and more devoted to him, and I love it!

A journey together

2007-11-23T17:31:00.000-08:00

To recap, for those who are not aware, I got some issues from while I was growing up -- a screwed up (i.e., abusive) family situation and then being mistreated and rejected by others (supposed "friends" and others) after I finally left home. Combined with that was my basic slave nature (need for others' affection and approval, non-confrontational, passive, etc.) that left me ill-equipped to resist the situation or fight back. Needless to say, all that left me with some emotional scars and sensitivities: insecurity, low confidence, emotional vulnerability, hyper-sensitivity to criticism, fear of rejection and abandonment, etc., etc. Now, a few years ago, after years of trying, I did manage to conquer a lot of that and become a fairly independent and "well-adjusted" person, whatever that means.

Well, in starting to embrace slavery, I started to let go of all that stuff I'd built up for self-protection -- effectively re-embracing my need for affection and approval, desire to please, overall "giving" attitude, and other submissive traits. Finally, I felt as if those things were good, after all, and I could embrace them. In doing so, however, I also became vulnerable once again.

I had an emotional outburst week before last. A few old emotional wounds of mine got opened up after I misinterpreted several things my Master said and did, after which point, I started freaking out and eventually had an outburst in which I got really angry and spiteful and said several things that I shouldn't have. After the outburst, he had to decide whether he was going to try to continue the relationship, and after considerable thought on his part, he decided to continue. We were both very happy about this.

However, I had still had a few thoughts lingering in my head from that whole ordeal, some of which were critical of him, in one sense or another, and I sent those to him in an e-mail last Wednesday night. Unfortunately, the poor guy had had a really bad day and wasn't feeling too well. After seeing my thoughts, he decided that he no longer wanted to be with me -- feeling as if my thoughts indicated irreconcilable differences. One major issue, as I understood it, was the fact that I was continuing to harbor negative thoughts, rather than letting it all go. We ended up having a lengthy conversation, in which I (unsuccessfully) tried to convince him to stay with me. In the end, though I was terribly hurt, I gave up and accepted it, anticipating a long healing process ahead of me.

The next morning, though, I felt compelled to type up a list of my most positive feelings towards him -- the previous post on this blog. I went on and on about the attraction, warmth, and trust that I held for him and about how much I treasured all the special moments we'd had together. (It is a post I should have written much earlier because it expresses the truth of how I feel about him, the sheer warmth and depth of my affection and loyalty towards him. Even when I felt negatively towards him, on the surface, those more beautiful feelings were the ones I held deep down inside. Even when I'm unhappy with him, I'm still crazy about him, and it is still him I want to kneel before and serve!) That same day, he read the post and was moved by it, and we eventually came to reconcile with one another. He apologized both for hurting me the night before and for sometimes misunderstanding me, and I accepted -- understanding that it wasn't him talking that night, that it was just his bad mood. I think we were both glad to have each other back! Ever since then, we've both been eager to see one another -- me, to serve...him, to be served...and both of us, to kiss and cuddle. We're definitely overdue for some serious make-up sex! ;-)

We both fought, we both said things we regret, and after enough time, we both forgave and made up, and in many ways, I feel closer to him than ever before. In fact, I feel like he's been extra sweet, since then. For example, he's said a lotta nice things to me, and I've felt like he's really understood me and listened to me more recently. Not that he didn't in the past...he absolutely did; it's just that I feel it more strongly now. Also, since he's so busy this week, I asked him if we could try for more phone time instead, and he agreed to it -- even though he doesn't like using the phone! He called me yesterday, and we had a nice conversation...and that gesture on his part really touched and warmed my heart, drawing me closer to him.

Besides the extra sweetness, I feel like he is helping turn me into a better person. Not that I wasn't already a good person, but I feel inspired by him to be even better. Just as an example, he's made me realize just how big a problem I have with letting things go. (You see, I was raised in a family where we were very good at digging up each other's past mistakes; it was not at all unusual to berate and criticize someone for a mistake made 1 year, 5 years, 10, or even 20 years ago! I picked up the habit, such that it feels only natural and normal to say to someone "Well, hey, what about the time you did such-and-such?") And, I feel like he's inspiring me to overcome that flaw of mine. One trick I'm trying is that, whenever a negative thought about a past event enters my head, I will replace it with a positive one! In the case of my dear Master, I will simply go back and read the previous blog post, and it will remind me what really counts and what really matters -- him, how much he means to me, and everything we share. Besides that, he also inspires me to be less judgmental of others (to give them the benefit of the doubt), more forgiving, and more responsible and industrious.

Likewise, I feel like he is learning from me, too. I feel like I'm helping him to become more empathetic and understanding. The truth is, even though he is the Master and I am the slave, I feel like we are training each other -- helping each other to become the best Master and slave we can be. We're both young guys (he's 22 and I'm 24), and we've both got a long way to go, but at least we're doing it side-by-side.

Although it will probably be a long while yet before we get to see each other again, due to his schedule, he is worth the wait. As the time passes, he's been helping me feel more and more secure and cared for -- which, if things continue to develop as they are now, is freeing me, mentally and spiritually, to surrender and give myself, my submission, and my service to him. With every bit of affection, warmth, understanding, and reassurance he shows me, the more compelled I am to let go and let his pleasure and happiness be my focus and my goal. I know that I can let go because I'm safe with him and I trust him. I long to go to him, attend to his wants and needs, and kneel before him -- looking up at him to see him looking down at me, in mutual affection and warmth, as we embark on this journey together...

Remembering...

2007-11-22T04:35:00.000-08:00

It's over now. It's over, and I don't know that it'll ever begin again. I'd like that, and I miss him, but I have to accept that I have no influence or persuasion. He found reason to end it, and while I do not agree with his reasons, I do believe that his intentions were good and sincere. Though I believed, and still believe, that our differences could be worked through, I must also accept his decision. My decision is how I deal with it, and the only way to deal with it is for me to accept it and move on -- no anger, no ill will, no negativity.

But before I do, I just have to give myself a moment to reminisce...

It was so amazing. I can remember so much. I can remember the cute text messages we sent back and forth during the week before we met in person. His voice sounded so nice and comforting when we talked on the phone. When I saw him for the first time, he was more handsome than I could have hoped for.

I can remember how much I liked everything about him. The sound of his voice. The way his arms felt around me. He has the sweetest face, and it was so hot when he'd look at me while cuddling or while playing. I remember when I'd be restrained to the bed, and he'd be on top of me, grinding into me, looking down at me. I'll never forget his face or the look in his eyes--or how I felt so powerless and helpless yet so safe and cherished at the same time. It's over now, and I suppose I'll never share that with him again, but it still warms my heart.

Everything we shared in bed was so awesome. Sometimes, it'd be tender. He would lay face down on the bed, naked, and I'd stare down at his body in lust and admiration--never a more beautiful sight in my life, I don't think. Then, I covered his back in massage oil and rubbed him all over, and I can still remember how amazing every part of him felt beneath my hands--his back, his shoulders, his arms, his butt, his legs, everything. Sometimes, I'd lean my own body in really close until we were almost touching, and I could rub my face against his skin and kiss it. I feel like I'd give anything just to be with him in that way, one more time; I miss it already. All of him filled me with desire, and still does; I cannot escape that easily.

Sometimes, it'd be wilder. Maybe I'd be giving him oral sex. His cock is so big and hard, and his balls yummy! I'd love rubbing my face into his crotch and breathing in his delicious scent, which would arouse me to a ridiculous extent. I can remember how he felt inside my mouth. I wanted to be right there, pleasing him. I particularly loved it when he'd ejaculate on my face or body; the only thing better would have been to have it all in my mouth and swallow.

The S&M play was hot, too. He'd have me on my knees, all-fours, or tied to the bed, and he'd do all sorts of stuff to me. While I had some safety concerns, from time to time, I'd never felt more safe.

I remember being on the floor, on all fours, with a vibrating toy stuck inside me. He was about to do something, so he asked me to trust him, and even though I was a bit scared, I did. He poured hot wax all over my back, and while it was hot and hurt a bit, it also felt amazing--especially considering that he was the one doing it. Then, he moved me over to the bed, bent me over, and started penetrating me--even poured more hot wax on me in the process! I loved it; the harder he fucked me and the more pain he inflicted on me, the closer I felt to him and the more I wanted to be with him.

Afterwards, he led me to the bathroom to shower the wax off of me. I was in the tub on all fours, and he was helping me get the stuff off my back. To melt it, he had to use hotter water, but he made sure he didn't hurt me. I was so helpless and vulnerable in that situation, but I also felt safe because he was there, taking care of me. It's strange, it was just cleaning wax off, but it was a beautiful emotional experience--letting go and putting myself under his care and knowing that I didn't have to worry anymore.

That next morning, we played some more. For a while, I had to kneel on the ground. When it was time for me to get up, my knees were having difficulty, but he gave me his hand and helped me up. I can still remember how secure I felt in those moments during those two days--he was with me, and I all I wanted was to surrender to him.

And, just in case you're worried it's all physical, not even close! We connected well, too. The same night as we did the wax, he took me out to a movie afterward, and it was great. I felt like everything was right with the world--just being with him. In the theater, I didn't want to move too fast for him, or anything, but all I wanted was to take his hand and lean against his shoulder, enjoying the movie and laughing with him.

Even after our sessions, we would lay in bed together and watch tv. He has a nightly ritual of watching a Golden Girls episode, which was great for me because I love the show, too! After the show went off, I'd put the remotes away for him, put my arm around him, press my body against him, and fall asleep.

While I think I had yet to actually fall in love, I know I was moving in that direction. In past relationships, I always found myself wishing I could be free to sleep with other guys. Not in this case, though; with him, my desire to be with anyone else effectively vanished. Sure, I still noticed cute guys, and sure, I was a bit interested in having us play with others together sometime, but this was different. I no longer found myself wanting anyone else. He was all I wanted or needed. My Master, my lover--the man to whom I wanted to give my submission, my service, my body...and my heart.

It's over, now, and I don't know that it will ever be again. No more massages, no more cuddling, no more play, no more blow jobs, no more kisses, no more movies or other dates, no more of those other special tender moments. So many amazing things to miss and long for, so much to remember fondly...

I guess I'll just close this out with some song lyrics, that I think are appropriate for such a situation

Sophie B. Hawkins - As I Lay Me Down

It felt like springtime on this February morning
In the courtyard birds were singing your praise
I'm still recalling things you said to make me feel alright
I carried them with me today, Now

(chorus) As I lay me down to sleep
This I pray
That you will hold me dear
Though I'm far away
I'll whisper your name into the sky
And I will wake up happy

I wonder why I feel so high
Though I am not above the sorrow
Heavy hearted
Till you call my name
And it sounds like church bells
Or the whistle of a train
On a summer evening
I'll run to meet you
Barefoot barely breathing

(repeat chorus)

It's not too near for me
Like a flower I need the rain
Though it's not clear to me
Every season has its change
And I will see you
When the sun comes out again

(repeat chorus)

(Oops, I shouldn't have actually listened to the song, getting a bit teary-eyed now...)

The previous post

2007-11-16T15:15:00.000-08:00

I finally got to talk to my prospective Master, and as I talked to him, I heard his side of the story and I realized that I completely misinterpreted him. It was a mistake on my part, and I never meant to do so, I promise. It really hurt his feelings, and I feel awful for it. He really has been good to me, and I really really don't want to lose that. This could be the M/s relationship I've been hoping for, and that he's been hoping for too, and I just want us to get past this and move on, together. I am sorry for every bit of it.

I am so glad I deleted that post. I could have handled it so much better.

Love and Slavery (Or "Slavery and Love"?)

2007-11-11T20:03:00.000-08:00

I finally met this new guy on October 20, 2007. I'd been talking to him for over a month beforehand, and that night (after he had a tiring flight back to Boston) we finally met. I treated him to one of my wonderful massages--to which he's since become addicted, about as addicted as I am to giving them to him. (You should see the erections I get while massaging him! I am so turned on by him, it's ridiculous!) We had a good time that night. I slept over, and we had some more fun the next morning. Then, we went to eat and shop, and it was fun. We had a nice conversation over lunch, and I got some new sheets while shopping.

The best part is, we've seen each other again several times. After that day, I was so worried it was gonna be one of those situations where you meet and seem to connect very well, but then the guy suddenly seems to lose all interest. Fortunately, we've both maintained mutual interest, and it seems like this could be the Master/slave relationship I've been looking for. If things continue to develop in the direction they have been, then things could be very nice, indeed! He may come to fully own me as his slave!

My only concern is, will I also get to be his boyfriend? I want that so much--assuming that we continue to connect well and assuming that we both continue to like what we see as we get to know each other. I like the slavish moments, absolutely, but I also like the romantic/cuddly moments...and the best moments are the slavish and romantic/cuddly ones!

For me, a Master should ideally also be my boyfriend and eventual husband--someone I can both love and serve. In other words, I am interested in M/s relationships that are simultaneously love relationships...

*Both long, romantic walks and long, painful scenes

*Both a marriage ceremony and a collaring ceremony

*Both tenderness and toughness

*Both cuddling and c.b.t. Perhaps at the same time...my current prospective boyfriend/owner does this occasionally

*Dates in which we go to the movies and I carry the snacks (along with anything else of his) and then we hold hands throughout the entire film

Indeed, I am not looking for a situation involving non-monogamy; one time, I was under consideration by a Master who would have owned me as one of multiple slaves, and I now realize that would not have worked. Nor do I want a situation in which Master already has a primary partner and I could only be an appendage. Ideally, I want to be his slave and his lover--and his one and only!

If you are thinking that I saw too many soap operas and Disney movies as a kid, then you are absolutely correct. I'm a slave with dreams of Camelot, LOL! (Though I have no particular interest in medieval roleplay...)

That said, I do wonder if the liking/loving aspect can interfere with power exchange. For example, one time I suggested to him that he might enjoy embarrassing me in public, but he just said that he liked me too much to do that. I may have to work on him a bit...hehehe. I don't want him to let his feelings stand in the way of being as tough on me as he needs to be. On the other hand, if we develop true love and if it compromises the power-exchange a bit, then that's a price I'm willing to pay. (One Master once suggested that perhaps I don't really want a Master, at all, just a kinky boyfriend. Eh, it's a question I'm still sorting out...)

How do you maintain the power dynamic while cuddling...or the other way around, how do you maintain the love during an intensely painful scene or when discipline is being administered? I want both love and slavery...I don't want to sacrifice either!

Parting from Master...

2007-10-23T18:16:00.000-07:00

About a week ago, I sent Mike (formerly called "Master" by me) a message letting him know the arrangement was off but that I valued our time and wished him the best of luck. There were too many issues of incompatibility. Not that Mike isn't great, but just not for me.

I simply decided that his type of arrangement wouldn't work for me. I can't deal with the level of control he wants; if another slave out there wants that, then more power to him, but it's not for me. I need some autonomy in my life. Besides, I want to keep control over my own finances, so I can have some independence if I find the relationship no longer works for me.

Also, I really want an actual romantic relationship, which is not what I'd have had with Mike, since he'd have, like, three other slaves besides me--and I'd have to sleep on the floor, no less! If I have a dom or Master, I want to be his lover, too. I want to go to sleep cuddling with him, go on dates with him, maybe even get married with him someday!

These are just a few of the issues, and I'd go deeper if I weren't so busy. (My "Extended Profile" reflects many of the issues I had to deal with, post-reflection.) I have, however, learned the following lessons about myself:

Distance. I cannot serve a disembodied voice/chat persona. I need someone who I can see and touch.
Negotiation. I need to be able to negotiate the level of control in the relationship, so that it can work for both of us, and not just him.
Honesty. I need to be honest with myself about what I want out of a D/s, M/s, or other kind of power-exchange relationship...and be true to that. I cannot force myself to adjust to an arrangement that is not for me. I must be true to myself.

Maybe I can explore these issues more deeply when I have more time...

Extended Profile: Bottom Version

2007-10-14T13:03:00.000-07:00

Because my profile at the other site has a word limit, and because not everyone will read a long profile, I am posting here what I call my "Extended Profile." This is the Bottom Version. (Click here for the Top Version.)

I'm getting more experienced with BDSM, and I'd like to learn more from decent and respectable guys who know what they're doing. (NOT impressed by a profile with no pics and minimal info!)

Right now, things that interest me include general submissiveness ("yes sir, " "no sir, " following commands), servitude (let me cook for you and serve you wearing nothing but a collar), bondage, punishment (spanking, paddling, flogging), cock and ball torture, nipple play and torture, slave positions and protocol, public humiliation (including forced nudity and masturbation in front of others). I'm very into the whole psychological aspect. . .

Ideally, Dom should also be affectionate (e. g. , caressing, kissing, comforting, etc. ) when dominating and tormenting me. Yes, Sir, I'm kinda needy like that, but it helps me to serve you much more effectively! :-P

I don't have a "gym body" or anything like that because I've only started working out recently and don't always have time to go to the gym, being a busy grad student and all.

HARD limits (things I want NO part of): alcohol/drugs, blasphemy/sacrilege, injury, permanent marks, bleeding, women, feminization of any sort, animals, kids, shaving my head or eyebrows, flame, scat, substantial bruising, b. o. /poor hygiene, certain (but not all) kinds of verbal humiliation (e.g., "worthless, " "loser, " insulting my body).

SOFT limits (negotiable once enough TRUST and rapport established): electro, sounds, needles, fisting, pee, behaving submissively towards you in the presence of our vanilla friends and acquaintances, locking restraints, cages, videotaping, photographing, full slavery.

(Lists may grow or shrink as I develop a better idea of my own likes and dislikes.)

I am strictly SSC! (safe, sane, consensual) If we are to play, we first have to have face pics and talk online and/or over the phone. . . and then meet and talk more in a public place. If I'm gonna come over to your place, I have to have the exact physical address and phone # and provide my own transportation. References are also a plus! Sorry if this sounds excessive, but I know that a GOOD dom will respect it. :-)

Notes about relationships:

Don't wanna be under constant control in a D/s or M/s relationship. I still need my personal autonomy, limits, and independence. You and I should both be open to adjusting the level of control, over time, according to our own needs and limitations.
For a relationship (but not really for play), our personal beliefs must be compatible--though not necessarily identical. For example, I was Christian and Muslim at earlier times in my life, so while you don't have to be any particular religion yourself, you should at least have a positive view of Christianity and Islam -- along with most other religious and spiritualities that are generally benevolent and harmless. Also, I'm a huge supporter of Palestinian human rights, so if you're anti-Palestinian or pro-Israel, then it probably won't be a match. No Log Cabin Republicans, either, please. (That said, if we're just playing, then I don't really care about your religious or political beliefs, LOL!)
While I am open to playing with men of a variety of ages, I'd prefer someone within 10 years (give or take a few) of my age for an actual relationship. Not because I have any problem with older men, but simply because I think an intergenerational relationship would be very complicated for me. For example, a partner who's much older than me would likely pass away a lot sooner than me, eventually, and that'd be a very painful experience.

***I am also trying to promote an online discussion group for kinky young men (including FTM), ages 18-35, in the Boston area. Message me if interested.

I CAN'T DO THIS!!!! (or can i?)

2007-10-09T19:26:00.000-07:00

Before i woke up this morning, i had a dream. In the dream, i was sitting on my bed in my room with the young man for whom i have feelings, who i mentioned in a previous post. At some point in the dream, his clothes were no longer there. ;-) In the dream, i took this as a sign that he was ready to explore things with me sexually, and i started to come onto him, touching and making out with him. i was so sure, at the time, that it was not a dream but reality, but inevitably, it turned out to be a dream after all.

When i woke up, my feelings of slavery had once again disappeared. i wanted to be free to make my own decisions and run my own life. i was thinking, "Okay, i could be a sub or a boy, sure, but a slave? No, i cannot give up that much control! i must have a certain measure of autonomy in my life and the freedom to put the breaks on things when i feel the need to!" i want to wear what i want, i want to go to the bathroom when i feel like it, i want to stay here and complete my grad program, and i want to settle down in a monogamous relationship where i share the bed! Screw this "total control" junk! The conclusion i came to was that i want to be a slave, but on my own terms! (If you regard this as contradictory, i understand completely.) i love my life, and i don't want to give it up!

Besides, i could not get my mind off the beautiful young man who excites my heart and soul and drives me wild on so many levels--physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually! And, i was to see him later on at a group meeting, and i did, and he looked cute as ever! If not cuter, since i hadn't seen him in a while. Indeed, i feel like my ability to be loyal to Master is contingent upon me having no reason to assume that this young man could be gay/bi and interested in me. If i were to discover that this was the case, it is doubtful that i could continue my path to becoming Master's full and permanent slave because i would have no choice but to explore this option. In fact, even if i end up accepting Master's permanent collar, it's possible that this young man could still take me from Master, if he wanted! Not exactly the best mentality for a slave, huh? (What i really, really wish is that this young man would turn out to be gay/bi and a potential slave as well so that i could have both him and Master! But, life tends not to turn out that way...)

For most of the day, i was thinking, "Okay, it's come time for Master and i to go our separate ways." My contention was that i needed to part from him and seek out a dom or "daddy"--or perhaps a Master who'd allow me more autonomy than Master Mike plans to. At times, i was of the mind that, "Okay, this is de facto over, now, so there's no need to continue observing Master's rules." i considered breaking the bathroom rule, but i didn't, for some reason.

It's been like, i wanted to leave this path of becoming Master's slave, but i'm also afraid to. i've come this far, being "under consideration" by him, and if i give that up, he will find someone else eventually, and i may later come to regret it. i don't want to give that up, only to later decide i really want it after all and find out that that ship has sailed because he's found someone else.

i got to talk to him earlier tonight, and i get the impression he's going to take my questions and concerns seriously. He seems to be reasonably flexible, from what i've heard thus far. In fact, when he described his uniforms for slaves, they actually sounded like stuff i'd wanna wear, anyway! LOL So, that's good news. Indeed, since he explained the deeper significance of the uniforms, it's made me almost want to wear them! Actually, take out the word "almost"; i do want to wear them and know that i'm his slave!

One of the things he suggested when i told him about my doubts was that perhaps i'm not a slave, after all, but a "boy. " Which would mean, i get into a lot of the submissive stuff but still need some degree of control in my life. Indeed, i do think i need to be able to put the breaks on things. Then again, this could also mean simply that i need to adjust to slavery more.

My single biggest misgiving is that his model of slavery includes him having control of his slaves' finances. This worries me because, being a realistic person, i realize that no matter how much both Master and slave might plan on their arrangement being "forever," reality can always intervene. Thus, if i were to wake up someday a year, 5 years, or even 10 years from the day when i'm permanently collared and come to the conclusion that this life isn't for me, after all, i'd want to have enough of a "nest egg" to start my life over after leaving Master's household. (You know, get a vehicle and place to live, surgically remove any marks of Master's ownership, change back to my original name, etc.) Of course, i gather that this is precisely the reason he does want to control our finances, so that we won't be able to leave easily. Makes sense enough, but it seems entirely contrary to the notion of choosing to become a slave to Master. (What good is a slave who no longer feels any loyalty to his Master and only continues to serve because he is financially unable to embark on his own?) Indeed, i find this desire to control finances more than a little bit disturbing.

That said, my desire to be Master's slave--when i'm not longing for the beautiful young man--remains, and is momentarily rekindled when i communicate with him, and part of me just wants to learn how to conform to his vision of things so that it becomes easier for me and so that i can slide more effectively into my life as his slave.

i think part of the issue is the fact that this arrangement has been long-distance from the start; although we chat and talk on the phone, there is no person to person contact, so we have no real foundation from which to work on this. It might be different if we were to meet in person, have contact, and bond as Master and slave; i'd be able to truly feel it, and it might fuel my desire and drive to submit fully.

i've got a lot of thinking to do...

Doubting my slavery

2007-10-07T09:56:00.001-07:00

Night before last, i attended a leather play party, with Master's permission and according to his rules (no anal penetration, no swallowing, no permanent marks, no blood drawn, and certain markings of his ownership on my body). Master even gave me permission to cum! How nice of him!

i showed up late because it took me forever to get some stuff done, but i eventually made it, and the main guy i came to play with hadn't even played yet, so that left it open for me! :-) He and i eventually made it down to the play area, where it was mostly a lotta dick-sucking going on. And, that's all well and good, but it's not S&M, which is why i came. Still, i always tend to enjoy Eventually, i did get into a nice spanking scene, and that was hot. i also got into some nipple play and cbt, hotter still. Finally, i did get to cum, and that was amazing. i swear, i've never seen so much cum in my life. (It had been a few weeks since i'd came last.)

After that, me and the guy just went upstairs to the social area to rest and take a breather. We sat on the couch, chatted for a bit, and eventually both headed out for the night. He gave me a ride to the public transportation so i could go home.

What stood out to me that night, though, was not the play itself, but how i reacted after i came. Like i said, it'd been weeks since i'd came, and i absolutely loved it. Unfortunately, a weird feeling came over me. It was like a suddenly ceased to care about being a slave at all. My attitude was like "blah, whatever." i didn't care about pleasing Master anymore or about obeying his rules, and i really started to doubt whether i was slave material at all. Maybe it was just a fantasy, and my slavishness was nothing other than a symptom of having went for many days without sexual release. But, i wasn't ready to give up, either; surely the various emotional experiences i'd had with Master meant something. i was in a rut.

On the way home, i just embraced the sheer emptiness of my head and heart and gave my rational mind room to breathe. During that time, a wide number of my concerns came back into my head, no longer blocked by sexual tension and hot Master/slave fantasies. When i got home, i messaged Master about my sudden set of misgivings and my mental shift.

Of course, yesterday came, and i brought this stuff to Master's attention. He explained to me it was the junction where fantasy and reality meet. I mentioned i had new concerns that came bubbling up to the surface, and he expected this. He offered to release me to let me consider whether i was truly a slave, all. However, it was clear i didn't want that. i wanted to stay his slave, in spite of my misgivings; my desire to be his slave was and is stronger. He explained that, as long as i'm a slave, it's something i am; i'm owned by him 24/7, regardless of whether i want to be or "feel like it" at the time. It's what i am and what i need and want to be.

As our conversation was drawing to a close, he suggested i send him by e-mail a list of all my questions and concerns, so i spent several hours typing up a list of concerns, questions, and types of personal information i wanted from him. And, trust me, it was very extensive. Throughout this period, he is assessing my suitability, but i am also assessing his.

i don't know what this "under consideration" period is leading towards, but i can tell you what i know at this moment: i am a slave, proud and honored to be the property of Master Mike. i obey him and i submit to him. i am his. :-)

First week as a slave

2007-10-07T09:52:00.000-07:00

This past week has been a wide variety of personal and emotional experiences for me, as i come to develop myself as a slave to Master.

i had the first emotional experience when Master got onto the subject of piercings. (i had earlier sent him a few explicit pics of myself for his viewing pleasure.) He asked if my nipples were pierced, and i told him how they were, but i had to take them out because they weren't healing right. i asked him to keep that in mind if he was wanting me to re-do them. Instead, he suggested a PA (Prince Albert) piercing, which is even scarier, and i let him know this. He reassured me he'd be there with me and that it'd be okay, reminding me that "my" dick is really his, anyway. When i affirmed this, though, he asked if i meant it, but i wasn't quite sure. And he got into some of the kinda things he could do to it, if he wanted, and really scared me. i told him i wasn't sure what to say or how to respond--on one hand, wanting to be his slave, but on the other, not wanting certain things to happen. i asked him to help me figure out the solution, and he told me the answer, an exceptionally hard part of surrender, is "trust." And, he brought me back out of my inner conflict and turmoil. i was falling, and he caught me. He was there for me.

During the same conversation, we got also got into the issue of my toilet training. i asked him for permission to use the bathroom, and he told me that it wasn't my time yet, not until the top of an even-numbered hour. It was 11-something my time, so i figured i'd be able to go the bathroom in a few minutes, but he reminded me that according to his time (he's in a time zone an hour earlier), i actually had that length of time plus one hour. i got scared and was worried, and he told me if i couldn't hold it, i'd just pee myself. However, in the conversation, i accidentally used the lowercase "i" (had been habitually using the uppercase), and to reward me for using the lowercase, he let me go to the bathroom. But, i knew from then on, i had to follow the rules about the toilet.

i've already peed myself twice, accidentally used it outside of the appointed time twice, and deliberately disobeyed once (though i considered it a justifiable emergency). The first time i messed up, Master took away my cumming privileges, and having heard of my other infractions since then (which i always confess), he's threatened to make me wear diapers and/or drink my own pee. :-O That worries me, so i'm trying to do better. (Also, he is not above making me drink my own pee or submit to a golden shower as punishment for other things. My Master is so naughty, and unlike me, he can't even be punished for it!)

Last nite, i was actually feeling very much like a failure, like i'd let Master down on so many levels, and i sent him messages humbly apologizing and calling myself a screw-up as a slave. i'd also punished myself: (1) denying myself a trip to eat out, as i'd wanted, and (2) slapping myself hard on the balls, to cause myself considerable pain. i made him a video of the latter.

But, like a good Master, when he got my messages, he told me that i was not a failure, that i was excellent as a slave, and that i was simply having trouble adjusting to my bodily functions being controlled. i love the way he builds me up like that and catches me when i'm down. He is firm, but caring.

(Incidentally, today's toilet routine has went very well, so far.)

Another issue that came up this week was difference in political beliefs. In a conversation, he revealed that he was, in his words, 100% pro-Israel. Naturally, this doesn't sit too well with me, a Muslim convert who is very pro-Palestinian. (Although, two caveats are in order: First, i do also care for Israelis, as human beings, and second, i am opposed to the more violent tactics that the media tend to associate with the Palestinian side--favoring non-violent tactics instead.)
Although all the talk about getting me pierced down there and about making me submit to a Mistress (yes, people, he's that diabolical, LOL) didn't chase me away, i was worried that this was the deal-breaker. In other words, how can i serve a Master who supports f---ing Israel? Dear God, even the sight or sound of the word "Israel" makes my skin crawl. -shudder- How could i ever be loyal to, or respect, anyone who supports that racist oppressor-state?

i was then conflicted, being so fond of Master but so repulsed by what i'd heard. (Not to mention being highly disturbed by his stated belief that civilians are fair game in a situation of war. wtf?!?!) So, i took some time to think about it, and also sought the opinions of some other individuals. Eventually, i came to the same conclusion as these individuals: That my attachment to Master was too important to sacrifice over a political disagreement. Indeed, i later felt embarassed, and even guilty, for my emotional disloyalty to Master over a political issue, and i brought it to his attention...he was surprisingly understanding. Well, not surprising, he is my wonderful Master! :-) Granted, it will likely still be an issue, but we're over the hump for now.

It's an ongoing process, and this has only been the first week! LOL

Can I be a slave?

2007-09-29T12:25:00.000-07:00

I've been talking to Master Mike in Omaha for a few weeks now, and I really enjoy my conversations with him. He seems like a really nice guy and has a good idea of the things I need as a sub/slave, and he wants me as his slave. He wants me to work towards that goal, and the idea intrigues me, too. Today, he asked me to enter the "under consideration" stage, in which I would start turning control of various aspects of my life over to him. Sounds crazy, huh? I agree. :-)

Yet, I was so intrigued by the idea that I couldn't say no. After all, it is only "under consideration." So, I accepted. As my first task, I was to call him in exactly an hour to wake him up for work. I had to do some stuff in the meantime, and I was pushing against the clock, but I did manage to call him on time, so I was happy about that.

We talked for quite a while, like nearly an hour. He basically let me know various things about what it would mean for me to be enslaved to him. Just different kinds of rules I'll have to follow and such. Like, I have to have his permission to play with others...but that's okay. Perhaps it's actually better if I have him looking out for me. :-D

The whole idea will take a lot of getting used to...and that's assuming I'll be able to adjust to it. Some of the aspects of slavery appeal to me (serving him, giving him foot rubs and back rubs, play), but others (such as him having control over how I dress or wanting me to sleep on the floor) do not. Also, how on earth do I give up the dream of having a boyfriend...and, in the future, a husband? Besides that, there is also the fact that I have very deep feelings for a young man that I go to school with; on the other hand, it's unlikely that I could ever have anything with this guy, so I guess that's a moot point, anyway. Oh, well, I guess all this is the significance of the "under consideration" designation.

He also doesn't want me to have a messy room, so I've been working on cleaning it for several hours. It will take a lot more effort, but I hope he'll be pleased with the progress I've made. I'm looking forward to seeing him in person whenever I get to finally visit--and especially looking forward to being hugged, kissed, and cuddled, should he choose to do so.

My first BDSM play party

2007-09-11T16:20:00.000-07:00

Note: This post should actually be dated September 8, 2007. I just had to wait on posting because I had not yet decided on an online handle and gotten a blog:

A few weeks ago, I had my first dungeon party. :-)

It was an all-male BDSM/leather/kink play party nearby, my first one of that sort (though I'd went to a spanking party a few weeks earlier). It was mostly older men (30s, 40s, 50s) though there were also a few near my age (I'm 24), as well. There was a "dress code" of sorts; you couldn't be fully dressed, and options included kinky gear, underwear, nothing at all, etc. So, I changed into my own outfit...consisting of a collar, wrist and ankle restraints, and, well, nothing else...heheh. We all spent some time socializing with each other and hanging out because the host didn't open up the dungeon until later on. At one point, I put in my gag and stood around speechless, getting the attention of an older guy who told me I looked cute--which, of course, is the best thing a dom man can say to a sub boy. He wanted to know if I was sub or dom, so since I couldn't talk, I responded by dropping down to my knees and looking up at him. He liked that, and we both knew we wanted to play later on that night.

The host eventually opened up the dungeon and let us go downstairs. It was very nice and well-equipped with all kinds of gear. Kinda dark, but our eyes eventually adjusted. At first, I simply stood around with a few guys, us making out and groping each other, some occasional sucking. Of course, I had come for kink, not vanilla, so I eventually got bored and wanted to observe what else was going on. I also went upstairs for a bit to have a soda. The guy I'd talked to earlier expressed interest in doing a scene with me, so I was all ears...

And here comes the good stuff: He told me about a scene we could do with me and another sub, where we get restrained facing each other and punished together. He, I, and this other sub returned to the dungeon, and there was this metal bar hanging from the ceiling, and me and the other sub stood their facing one another. Each of my hands (and the other guy's hands) was restrained to one end of the bar, our ankle restraints we hooked together, a band was tied around our bodies, and we grasped each other's hands. The scene even had a "back story": me and the other sub had been caught beating off together.

The dom took a paddle and took turns using it on each of us, occasionally "scolding" us for our "misbehavior". All the while, me and the other guy were getting really excited and turned on, endorphins going wild and feeling each other's energy, and making out with each other very vigorously. The dom eventually switched to a flogger, using it on both our behinds and backs. Both the paddle and the flogger were intense. When the dom used either implement on me, I shouted a lot--using every obscenity in my vocabulary. Unfortunately, he took that to mean that I had reached my limit and needed to stop. (In fact, it means quite the opposite! It means I'm losing my inhibitions and very ready for a LOT more!) By that time, me and the sub had both sweat a lot and were very energized and aroused!

Me and the other boy were released, and the dom suggested we service him in return for the scene--which me and my fellow sub were more than happy to do. This part was also great, in itself. I kinda worked on the dom while also playing with the sub, servicing both at the same time, at one point. Very hot! I hope to play with both of them (separately or together) again in the future.

All in all, it was a most spectacular scene. Next time, I hope to go a lot further. (I have my heart set on a cage, in particular.) I'm such a pervert...LOL

Painful transcendence

2007-09-11T14:37:00.000-07:00

Note: This post should actually be dated September 5, 2007. I just had to wait on posting because I had not yet decided on an online handle and gotten a blog:

I finally got to go to his house that following Wednesday evening. It seemed like the forces of the universe were conspiring to make me as late as possible (grrr...), but I did eventually get there.

First, he showed me around his house, which was really nice and beautifully decorated. He and his partner have really good taste, in my opinion. Then, we went upstairs to his playroom, where he showed me some of his toys and other gear. I took a moment to go say one of my daily prayers, and then I returned to the room to get started.

He had a gay S&M flick playing when I got back to the room and was dressed for action. He instructed me to slowly undress for him and fold my clothes, which I did. He put me in my collar and wrist restraints and started to make out with me while simultaneously pinching my nipples and squeezing my balls. I was worried that I was about to reach my limit, but by using both affection and encouragement, he helped me to endure it and enjoy it.

He then put me on my knees to service him. Unlike the average guy, he actually wanted me to use my teeth on him. He also had me to hold on to his balls with my teeth while he leaned backwards. I was afraid I couldn't hold on, but I did.

This was the point where he moved on to various familiar and non-familiar methods of inflicting pain--including spanking, slapping and squeezing my balls, putting clamps on my nipples (and pulling on them), digging his thumbs into my flesh really hard, and smacking some tender areas of skin with a slapper. However, he alternated this with gentler stuff, like making out, sucking and stroking me, and anal play; the best part was when he put a toy inside me and then had this thing on his hand that caused it to vibrate vigorously--what ecstasy I felt! Even though I was being tormented and abuses (wink), I don't know that I've ever felt more secure, relaxed, and cared for. I smiled and told him, "You take such good care of me." He joked that he was just abusing me, but he knew what I meant.

I discovered at least two areas of my subspace: the animal area and the puppy area. While being tormented, I'd get to this point where I'd start growling and snarling (animal), and it would take some affectionate making out to calm me down. When being played with and stimulated sexually, I'd start to whine almost like a puppy. Even though he was giving me pleasure, I still knew that I had lost control of the situation, and I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Eventually, the night had to draw to a close, so we wrapped everything up. We got dressed, and I put my toys away. On the way to the car and during the drive to the train station, he told me about some of his past experiences, and we also talked about my own path of submission and masochism. He explained to me that I am one who will probably require a certain amount of stimulation to get me to the right space.

After he dropped me off at the train station, I was still experiencing a high. Even though some might argue that I had received very degrading treatment (which may well be true), I felt like my ego had inflated to twice it's normal size. I felt like I was the baddest M.F. around there. My nipples were still tender, so I found myself trying to make them rub against my shirt for more stimulation.

I can scarcely wait to get more experiences with the erotic intertwining of pain and pleasure.

Feeling submission

2007-09-11T03:21:00.000-07:00

Note: This post should actually be dated September 4, 2007. I just had to wait on posting because I had not yet decided on an online handle and gotten a blog:

For the first time today, i went out of my way to show what a good slaveboy i can be. Master was not feeling well yesterday, so when i got back from class, i stripped naked except for my glasses and socks (which must be kept on for reasons i’ll explain later) and put on my collar. i then moved some stuff around and set up my camera so that it could get my whole body in the picture; i turned on the self-timer, set it, and quickly got in front of the camera in the following position: on my knees (but not sitting on my heels), hands behind my head, facing downward, chest out, stomach in. i then uploaded the pic to my computer, cropped it, and looked at it. Even though my expression wasn’t the ideal (i thought i looked kinda silly), in my humble opinion, i loved the way i looked overall. Here i was—exposed, open, humble, and submissive…all for Master’s pleasure! It was like i had, at least for that moment, become who i wanted to be. i only wish i coulda been physically in his presence to receive a touch on my body or a kiss on my forehead to tell me i had done well, but i suppose good things come to those who wait. i then turned on the self-timer and got in front of the camera on all fours, with my butt facing the camera, legs spread as far apart as i could get. i was presenting my boyhole, possibly my most intimate part, to him as well; i hope he’ll want to play with it extensively. i then sent both pictures to him with the following message:

Dear Master,

Your submissive slaveboy is so sorry that You're not feeling well and hopes You are getting better. slaveboy has made special pictures just for You to aid Your recovery. he presents his naked and hairless body in a proper slaveboy position for Your viewing pleasure, and he opens his tight young boyhole to You for Your inspection and use. his little boy-peter stands up in excitement at the thought of serving You in person soon. slaveboy only hopes that You are pleased with his gesture and humbly requests Your feedback. If You are pleased, his slaveboy heart will be most gratified; otherwise, he will attempt to do better next time. slaveboy looks forward to seeing or talking with You soon.

Exposed and submitted,

slaveboy

P.S. slaveboy can scarcely believe he just wrote all that...especially the "little boy-peter" part :-)

Part of me felt silly for having said those kinda things. After all, i don’t exactly go around calling men “Master” and referring to myself in the third person or as “slaveboy.” (Nor would I call my organ a "little boy-peter". As a matter of fact, I'm statistically average, in that department, wink wink!) But it excites me as well—giving up barriers, ego, and control.

And when he replied and said he was pleased, i was so happy about that! i like for the guy dominating me to be pleased. i can’t wait to see what happens when i actually get to see him!

P.S. I won't always refer to myself with a lowercase "i"...only if I feel exceptionally submissive at the time! :-P