Islam and Polyamory

One struggle I have had recently is the growing suspicion that I might be polyamorous, as an overall orientation to romantic relationships (not unlike a sexual orientation). I have started to suspect that I might be the kind of person who would be happiest in multiple relationships, or at least with that as a possibility. Although I have always held traditional beliefs in monogamy as the most (if not only) moral and ethical romantic option, I find myself continually drawn to the idea of being able to be with more than one person.

For example, in my first real relationship, back in 2003-04, I was very much in love with the person I was with. Even still, though, I was feeling a strong urge to experience other guys, as well -- on the physical level. This urge has come to me in subsequent relationships, as well, such as my first relationship in Boston. The guy I was with back then was great, but I wanted to experience others.

This always happens to me! Even though I desire monogamy and exclusivity as an ideal, I have the desire to play around. It's like, when I'm single, I want to be in a relationship soooo bad, but once I've been in a relationship for a while, I start wishing I were single so that I could play around. Well, not really even wishing I were single...more like wishing we could open up the relationship so that I could have sexual contacts with others, as well.

The problem is my morals and religious beliefs. I'm a bit sexually conservative anyway (not in terms of what I'll do but in terms of WHO I'll do it with), and I have the added issue of worrying about whether certain things are compatible with Islam. For example, I do the prayers and fast during Ramadan, even though it's kind of a pain in the ass, and I avoid alcohol and pork, even though I like both. I've remained rather gay because I've read enough alternative interpretations to conclude that the supposed Islamic prohibition on homosexuality is based on shaky ground, at best. Then again, there are other things that are supposedly not allowed that I don't concern myself with at all, such as cross-gender interaction and owning dogs. (I spend time alone with girls and pet dogs all the time!) In short, one might say that I'm lax about some things but generally concerned with "getting it right."

So how does this relate to polyamory? Well, I have always kind of assumed that it would not be an option for me because it does not seem to mesh well with tradtional sexual morals. Sure, adjustments can be made to accommodate homosexuality and kink, but surely not polyamory! After all, it just feels so dirty and slutty! There's NO WAY I could be Muslim and poly...right?

However, the other day it suddenly occurred to me. Islam does in fact, at the very least, explicitly permit polygamy by men. Here are the Qur'an (Koran) verses addressing the issue (Asad translation):

4:3- "And if you have reason to fear that you might not act equitably towards orphans, then marry from among [other] women such as are lawful to you - [even] two, or three, or four: but if you have reason to fear that you might not be able to treat them with equal fairness, then [only] one - or [from among] those whom you rightfully possess. This will make it more likely that you will not deviate from the right course."

4:129- "And it will not be within your power to treat your wives with equal fairness, however much you may desire it; and so, do not allow yourselves to incline towards one to the exclusion of the other, leaving her in a state, as it were, of having and not having a husband. But if you put things to rights and are conscious of Him [i.e., God] - behold, God is indeed much-forgiving, a dispenser of grace."

Some contemporary Muslim opponents of polygamy use the second verse to argue that it is effectively forbidden by virtue of the impossibility of treating multiple wives equally. On the other hand, the verse could just as easily be seen as an exhortation to strive for fairness towards all wives, whether or not that ideal can ever be truly achieved. At the very least, most Islamic scholars seem to agree that polygamy is religiously permissible, even if not ideal. Moreover, sexual relations with one's slave are also permitted.

In addition to that, consider how many Old Testament prophets were also polygamous: Abraham, Jacob, David, Solomon. They were even intimate with women who weren't their actual wives (servants, if I remember correctly). Were they wrong or immoral?

Of course, Islamic scholars would also argue that this only applies to a MAN marrying more than one WOMAN, which would theoretically exclude polyamory by women or same-sex polyamory. On the other hand, I'm not aware of anywhere in the Qur'an that polyandry is explicitly forbidden, and one basic principle of Islamic law is that something is allowed unless forbidden -- which seems to open the door for women to have multiple partners. Then, if you add to that all the holes in the case for a prohibition of homosexuality, and combine it with the above, then you seem to have a case for considering polyamory (both opposite-sex and same-sex) Islamically permissible.

Indeed, this seems like one of the ways in which Islam manages to be malleable and applicable to a variety of situations, which seems to be one factor in its spread throughout the world. It always seems to allow certain exceptions for these various situations. For example, in a situation where women must be married to have a social safety net yet women outnumber men, allowing men to have multiple wives is actually beneficial for the women because it gives them social and economic security. Similarly, one might argue that God understands that not everyone is made for monogamy and, thus, the verses permitting male polygamy also speak to those individuals today who are polyamorous. The wide applicability of Islam seems to be one of its more miraculous properties.

Thus, this seems to be very refreshing, in contrast to moral codes and religious doctrines that emphasize monogamy to the exclusion of other possibilities. At the same time, I think that if you were going to do polyamory as a Muslim, at least three caveats would be in order:

• First, if you are serious about the idea of being fair to all partners, then the whole notion of "primary," "secondary," "tertiary," etc. might not work. Unless, perhaps, you look at it from the perspective of each partner getting what s/he needs, which may not necessarily mean getting the same as each other partner.
• Second, being a ho would not be acceptable. You still couldn't sleep with just anyone. In fact, it might even be necessary to marry (or at least establish some kind of committed relationship). In short, there would have to be some kind of ongoing closeness and commitment
• Third, you could probably have only up to four partners. Though, honestly, who would even want that many, let alone more? LOL
  

Certainly, I am not ready to come out to the world as officially poly. Maybe I do, indeed, just need to find that one person who is right for me. At present, then, my official stance is that I am now "exploring" polyamory. Regardless, I feel like this revelation has been somewhat liberating for me. If I am, indeed, poly, then it feels like I would be free to act upon it, provided that I do so in an ethical manner -- honestly, fairly, and somewhat equitably. There is something very freeing about all of this. :-)